Why do you get upset when your partner comes home later than they say they will? Why do you get excited when they surprise you with flowers? In every relationship, both partners have their own set of expectations. When your expectations are met or exceeded, you feel loved, appreciated, and satisfied with your relationship. When they’re not, conflict ensues, and the relationship can suffer.
Read MoreAsk most married couples why they decided to tie the knot, and you might hear one of the following answers: “because we were in love”, “we wanted to have children”, or “we were ready to settle down.” On the surface, these seem like good answers. But are they enough?
Read MoreRemember that blissful feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you swore your partner was absolutely perfect, and there was no one in the world you’d rather spend time with? When was the last time you felt that? If you’re in a long relationship and realizing that’s been days, months, or even years since you last felt passionate about your hunny, don’t worry. You’re actually in the majority, and there’s something you can do about it.
Read MoreHow do you feel when you think about sex? Do you feel excited, confident, or eager to connect with the person you love? If so, give yourself a pat on the back. You likely enjoy sex. But what if sex brings up different feelings for you? Feelings like embarrassment, fear, disgust, or self-consciousness? You may be struggling with sexual shame. You are not alone.
What if my partner stops loving me? Are we really compatible? Am I with the right person? Are they cheating on me?
These are questions that anyone who’s ever been in a relationship has likely asked themself at some point. Frankly, never questioning whether you and you and your partner are a good match, if they’re faithful, and what you would do if the two of you broke up wouldn’t be healthy. But if you struggle with relationship anxiety, these thoughts can quickly become obsessive and even detrimental to your relationship.
Read MoreEvery couple fights. How you do it is what matters.
When you and your partner disagree, do your arguments turn into competitions about which of you is “right”? Do you find yourself in screaming matches? Does either of you give the cold shoulder to the other? All these ways of fighting are common, but none of them are productive.
Read MoreWhen I tell my clients to begin practicing sensual intercourse instead of the same sexual intercourse they’ve always had, I am often met with looks of confusion. The words “sexual” and “sensual” are used interchangeably, potentially causing many to think, “What’s the difference?” Sexual intercourse can be great. Some might consider it one of life’s greatest pleasures- that is until they’ve discovered sensual intercourse.
Read MoreFirst dates can be complicated. There’s a lot to consider, such as whether or not you have chemistry with the person, if your values match up, and if they seem like they’d be able to fulfill your needs and wants in a relationship. All of this just to answer one seemingly simple question: Do you want to see them again?
Read MoreQuality time. Physical touch. Words of affirmation. Gifts. Acts of service. Most of my clients have a sense of what love language they speak. Some are even able to identify the preferred love languages of their partners. Identifying you and your partner’s love languages is a great step towards increasing intimacy and reducing conflict in your relationship. Where many people get stuck, I’ve found, is in trying to figure out how to communicate in their partner’s differing love language, and even more so, how to get their partner to communicate in theirs.
Read MoreIf you’re following The Bachelorette, you likely saw last week’s episode, in which Bachelorette Clare Crawley and Jason Foster, the former NFL player selected for the first one-on-one date of Season 16, exchanged emotional stories in the woods. The date began with the couple releasing primal screams into the night air, followed by their writing of hurtful words others used to label them on stone tablets, smashing the tablets against the rocks, and then writing and sharing letters to their childhood selves with one another. Clare opened up about feeling invisible during high school. Jason, clearly new to this whole vulnerability thing, vaguely alluded to his own childhood trauma, admitting that talking about his “demons” is difficult for him. The two ended the evening with a makeout session, and Clare rewarded Jason for his hard emotional labor with the first rose of the week.
Read MoreHealthy, long-lasting relationships are made of several essential building blocks. Typically, elements like trust, shared core values, similar goals, and some level of attraction create the foundation for successful relationships. Relationships are sort of like the game Tetris. If each partner has qualities that fit with the needs of the other, a solid, secure base can form.
Read MoreFour months after the partial reopening of Chicago, dating is back in full swing, and so is the anxiety that comes with it. Even before the threat of catching COVID, dating could be scary. First dates, especially, are often awkward, intimidating, or boring. The combination of uncertainty and vulnerability during a first date can be uncomfortable for anybody.
Read MoreTake a moment to close your eyes and imagine yourself having the best sex of your life.
Now pause, and notice one thing in particular about your fantasy- the setting. Where are you?
Chances are, you’re not picturing having sex in a messy room with laundry all over the floor or on top of dirty sheets. Right? Didn’t think so.
Read MoreWe all have patterns in our relationships we know are not helpful for the longevity of the relationship. You may act passive aggressively. You may retaliate with hostility when you’re feeling stressed or angry. You and your partner may bicker or fight often, leading to disconnection. Whatever you may find yourself doing, very few things approach the sadness and destructiveness of a partner who withdraws from the relationship when feeling displeased, angry, or hurt.
Read MoreWhen clients come to me to discuss low sex drive and desire, there are always a couple items we check in on as we explore the problem. One of those things is to what extent they enjoy the sex they are having with their partner. This covers all sorts of ground: are they feeling pleasure during sex, are they feeling connected during sex, does their partner attend to their needs, are they attracted to their partner, are they doing the things they like to do while having sex? The logic behind this question is clear: why would one want to have more sex if the sex they are having isn’t that satisfying?
Read MoreWe all know that no relationship is perfect. Fighting is a normal and healthy part of every relationship. But when you feel hurt, rejected, ignored or dismissed by your partner, how do you handle it? Do you attempt to keep getting your point across? Do you try to control how your partner behaves? When you're hurt, do you tell your partner everything they’ve ever done to hurt you? Or do you get back at them somehow, either discreetly or overtly?
Some people do a combo of all these strategies, but today we will explore the last one: getting even.
Dating during COVID seems impossible. Last summer, eyes were made across dance floors all over Chicago every Friday night. Now, dance floors are empty, and getting out of your pre-reserved seat to mingle is highly frowned upon, if not forbidden. Bumping into a good-looking stranger, formerly considered good luck, is now a reason to wash your hands.
Read MoreIf you’ve ever found yourself feeling overly concerned about the strength of your relationship, worrying about how much your partner loves you, or feeling on edge that you are not enough for your partner, then you might have relationship anxiety. This fairly common experience can be tricky to pick apart. It is often difficult to determine if your concerns are simply stories you’re blowing up in your own mind or actually based on actions your partner has taken. When it goes unchecked, this anxiety has the capacity to wreak havoc on even the best suited pairs.
Read MoreIf you’ve ever been to a therapist and talked through the stress that your partner is putting you through, a common question your therapist might ask you is, “Have you talked to them about it?” The question is usually followed up by encouragement to “share how you are feeling” with your partner. This well-meaning piece of counsel, however, can lead you down the wrong path.
Read MoreWhat happens in a relationship when you try to bridge the gap between what you want and what you have? Control issues pop up. If you’ve ever found yourself saying or thinking things like:
“You should do/think/act like this”
“I’d be happy if only you’d...”
“You would be more _______ if you loved me”
“I need you to be more like so-and-so”
then chances are you are trying to control your partner. Trying to control your partner can lead to major issues for a couple. Let’s explore why some of us attempt to assert our control and why it ultimately is not healthy in your relationship!
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