Set Your Sex Life on Fire: The Difference Between Sexual Intercourse and Sensual Intercourse

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

When I tell my clients to begin practicing sensual intercourse instead of the same sexual intercourse they’ve always had, I am often met with looks of confusion.  The words “sexual” and “sensual” are used interchangeably, potentially causing many to think, “What’s the difference?”  Sexual intercourse can be great.  Some might consider it one of life’s greatest pleasures- that is until they’ve discovered sensual intercourse.

Sexuality vs. Sensuality

Sexuality is a biological drive embedded in humans for the purpose of procreation and pleasure.  Sexual desire can feel like an impulse or an itch for which orgasm is the scratch.  When it’s good, sex can be exciting and pleasurable.  When it’s not, it can be monotonous, goal-driven, and disconnected.  Many couples who have either been together for a long time and grown sick of their sex life, or those who never had good sex to begin with, might even go into autopilot mode during sex.

Sensuality is the act of being present and connected with your five senses.  Sensuality can be practiced in anything you do.  For instance, when washing the dishes, you can bring awareness to the warmth of the water, sight of the bubbles, smell of the dish soap, and sounds of dishes clinking together.  When it comes to sex, sensuality can creates more connectedness, intimacy, pleasure, and satisfaction during each experience.

What Is Sensual Intercourse?

For a better understanding of the difference between sexual and sensual intercourse, imagine the difference between taking a quick shower before work and a relaxing shower after a long day.  Quick morning showers are typically goal oriented.  Get clean, and move on to the rest of your day.  They get the job done, but aren’t particularly enjoyable.

Evening showers are much more luxurious and experience driven.  Picture yourself lighting a candle and watching the soft flicker of the flame as you breathe in the aroma of your favorite body wash.  The warm water soothes your sore muscles.  The rain-like sound of the water hitting the tub lures you into a dreamlike state.  The end result of cleanliness is satisfying, and the process is indulgent.

Now, imagine this kind of sex.  Sensual intercourse begins even before you and your partner are in the same room.  Desire itself is erotic.  Then, kissing becomes a pleasure of its own.  Touch feels electric.  Foreplay and intercourse are decadent.  An orgasm is just the icing on the cake.  This mindset is not only helpful for increasing the physical pleasure of sex, but also for reducing the pressure of orgasm-driven sex.  During sensual intercourse, the entire journey is pleasurable, whether you have an orgasm or not.

This Sounds Great!  How Do I Do It?

There are several steps you can take if you’re ready to upgrade from sexual to sensual intercourse:

1)  Focus on the 5 senses without judgment.

Society teaches us that there are “right” and “wrong” ways to have sex.  Movies, stories from your friends, and pornography can set expectations for how you “should” be doing it.  Sensual intercourse requires letting go of these judgments and allowing yourself to do whatever feels pleasurable to you during sex while noticing what you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel.  One way to do this is to focus on your breath during sex.  If judgments come up, notice them, and then return to your breath, along with whatever you’re sensing in that moment.

2)  Experience your emotions.

Noticing whatever emotions come up for you during sex can enhance your experience.  You may expect to only feel emotions like love or excitement during sex, but the truth is, your body stores all different kinds of emotions in your hips, buttocks, groin, and genitals.  Notice whatever comes up.  If it’s pleasant, bask in it.  If it’s not, get curious about where those feelings are coming from and make changes to what you’re doing if necessary.  If you trust your partner, exploring difficult emotions that arise during sex together can actually lead to more intimacy, trust, and better sex in the future.

3)  Get rid of the goal.

Orgasms are great, but they aren’t necessary for pleasurable sex.  Remember, when you’re practicing sensual intercourse, the point is to experience pleasure.  If what you’re doing feels good, enjoy it!  Writing off sex as “bad” if you don’t have an orgasm discounts all the other pleasurable sensations felt during sex, both physical and emotional.

4)  Slow down.

Sensual intercourse requires slowing down and really feeling everything going on both internally and externally during sex.  Slow down and focus on the energy building up between you and your partner.  Once you are having intercourse, experiment with slow movements, stillness, and even pausing periodically to avoid defaulting to autopilot movement.  If you do enjoy a faster pace, work up to it.  You’ll be surprised by what you notice along the way.

If you’re struggling to turn up the spark in your sex life, sensual intercourse might be exactly what you need.  Practice enjoying sensual pleasure, even in moments that aren’t directly related to sex.  Soon, you’ll notice the heat turned up during sex in ways you never imagined possible.