How to Get Your Partner to Adopt Your Love Language
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Quality time. Physical touch. Words of affirmation. Gifts. Acts of service. Most of my clients have a sense of what love language they speak. Some are even able to identify the preferred love languages of their partners. Identifying you and your partner’s love languages is a great step towards increasing intimacy and reducing conflict in your relationship. Where many people get stuck, I’ve found, is in trying to figure out how to communicate in their partner’s differing love language, and even more so, how to get their partner to communicate in theirs.
Have you asked your partner multiple times to show love in the way you want? Are you sick of feeling frustrated when your attempts don’t work? If you answered “yes” to either of these questions, you’re in the right place. I’ve got three tips to share with you to finally get your partner to do and say the things that make you feel loved, valued, and desired. Keep reading to find out.
Give Examples
Imagine for a moment that your partner asked you to do something completely foreign to you. I mean something you had no idea how to do. You’d probably need some very clear, specific instructions. If you’ve told your partner which love language you prefer but have yet to see any results, take some time to list out all the things your partner can say or do to help you feel the love (eg. open the door for you, compliment your cooking, etc.). Then, tell your partner exactly what you wrote down, making sure to pad the conversation with plenty of “thank you”s for the things your partner already does well.
Be Prepared to Remind- A Lot
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that once you tell your partner what you want, it’s their responsibility to make it happen. This is true, partly. It is your partner’s responsibility to take your needs seriously and make the effort to meet them. However, your partner is human, and this kind of thing might not come naturally right away. Take opportunities to remind your partner how they can communicate love in your language. For example, if your love language is Gifts, try saying something like, “I would love it if you brought me back a coffee,” next time your partner steps out to run an errand.
Provide a Ton of Positive Reinforcement
Your partner is a lot more likely to adopt your love language when they feel there is something in it for them. Maybe your partner loves seeing you smile or hearing a verbal “thank you.” Whatever it is, be sure to provide plenty of it when your partner does something in accordance with your love language. Over time, the actions that once took effort will become habitual and satisfying for both of you.
Although it would certainly be easy, getting your partner to communicate in your love language is not as simple as just telling them what your love language is. Bridging the gap between you and your partner’s differing love languages requires giving specific examples of what they can do and then following through with reminders and reinforcement whenever they do it. What are some specific ways your partner can show you love? Tell me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.
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