How Happy Couples Fight

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Every couple fights.  How you do it is what matters.

When you and your partner disagree, do your arguments turn into competitions about which of you is “right”?  Do you find yourself in screaming matches?  Does either of you give the cold shoulder to the other?  All these ways of fighting are common, but none of them are productive.

When you and your partner argue, there is always more going on than meets the eye.  Fights about who unloaded the dishwasher more last week are not about the dishes, but perhaps feelings of unappreciation or lack of support when both of you are busy.  Fighting about where the kids go to school has little to do with what kind of textbooks they’re going to read and more about hopes and fears regarding their futures- possibly linked to either of your own childhood experiences.

Underneath every exchange between you and your partner lies a whole world of emotion.  When left unaddressed, these feelings are sure to pop up over and over again in the form of arguing, passive aggression, or shutting down during difficult moments in your relationship.  The good news- If you and your partner are able to slow down and address what’s really going on, conflict can actually help you grow closer and stronger than before.  To get to the root of a problem and resolve conflict in a healthy and productive way, ask yourself these 3 questions before, during, and after any argument:

What am I feeling?

As you’re thinking about the issue you and your partner are having, turn your focus inward.  Notice and name your emotions, being careful not to misidentify thoughts, such as “I feel like my husband is in the wrong,” for feelings.  If you’re having trouble, notice the sensations in your body, especially in areas like your gut, chest, shoulders, and jaw.  Our bodies pick up on things in a way our logical brains don’t, giving us clues about emotions we might not even be aware of.  It may also be helpful to look at a feelings wheel in order to get more specific.

Is this familiar?

Sure, maybe your feelings are specifically related to your current situation, like if you’re worried about your partner’s excessive spending, but chances are, these feelings go deeper.  Once you’ve named what you’re feeling and found the sensations in your body, drift back in time mentally.  What comes to mind?  Have you ever felt this way before?  Perhaps you remember being a teenager and worrying about not fitting in if your parents couldn’t afford the kind of clothes your classmates wore.

What other feelings are wrapped up in this memory?  Insecurity?  Anger?  Shame?  Spend some time exploring similarities between the past and the present.  Stay open minded to what you might learn.

What do I need?

In one way or another, every conflict is about an unmet need.  Emotions exist solely for the purpose of telling us what our needs are (eg. loneliness tells us we need social connection).  Once you’re aware of what you’re feeling and why, you can communicate this to your partner and tell them what you truly need using this format:

“I feel _____ when _____.  I need _____.”

Let’s go back to the example of worry regarding your partner’s spending.  Once you realize that your fear isn’t actually about money but the security and social opportunities stable finances allow, you can say, “I feel insecure when you spend your entire paycheck.  I need us to sit down and come up with a budget we are both comfortable with.”  This is a lot more effective than yelling, “You’re so careless!  Why can’t you just put some money in savings like everybody else?”

You can also talk to your partner about the memories and feelings you explored in Step 2.  Getting vulnerable by talking about why you feel the way you feel works wonders for building intimacy.  Just make sure the two of you are calm enough that you can feel safe and supported in sharing the most delicate parts of yourself.

Couple fights are not pleasant, and they certainly aren’t always easy to navigate.  The way you go about them will determine how you feel once they’re over, how productive they are, and whether you and your partner grow closer from them or more distant.  For more information on how to build and maintain a happy relationship with your partner, check out these related articles.

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