Trying to Control Your Partner: a Hindrance, Not a Help
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
What happens in a relationship when you try to bridge the gap between what you want and what you have? Control issues pop up. If you’ve ever found yourself saying or thinking things like:
“You should do/think/act like this”
“I’d be happy if only you’d...”
“You would be more _______ if you loved me”
“I need you to be more like so-and-so”
then chances are you are trying to control your partner. Trying to control your partner can lead to major issues for a couple. Let’s explore why some of us attempt to assert our control and why it ultimately is not healthy in your relationship!
Why do we attempt to control our partners? We tend to find ourselves partnered with people who display the same traits we attached to growing up. In other words, we marry/partner with versions of our parents.
In relationships we work out our past with our partners. Matching with someone who has similar traits as our parents can be seen as an attempt to heal our unfinished business. In the worst cases, our relationships trigger so much past pain that we can’t recover and the relationship ends. In the best cases, we work through these triggers and heal from our past through and with our partners.
“If only he wasn’t so controlling, like my mom” or “I need him to be more connected, unlike my dad” are examples of ways we attempt to control our partners while attempting to heal from our past. Unconsciously we believe that if our partners would just act the way we want them to act, we would see these issues resolve themselves.
That seems great in theory, but have you ever felt like someone was trying to control you? How did that go? Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work states, “Here’s the real deal on control: It’s an illusion. Short of outright collusion or holding a gun to someone’s head, nobody gets anyone to do anything. Which, unfortunately, doesn’t mean you won’t try.”
Love and connection cannot thrive when control and oppression are present. Our partners may comply when we attempt to control them, but it comes at a cost. Often the consequences of controlling our partners look like rebellion, either quietly or quite overtly. Sometimes you may see your partner become more and more resentful, and they may feel like a martyr in the relationship. Other times, the thing you want your partner to change may become exaggerated the more that you push. All of this gets worse when you feel like you need to be right all the time.
It’s not so much that you can’t ask things of your partner or express your needs in the relationship. The strategy to get through the control tendency is two-fold. First, recognize if this is you. If you are attempting to change your partner in any way, own it. Be clear to yourself about why you want them to change, not just what you want them to change. Is it for their own good? Is it for the good of the relationship? Or is it particularly sensitive to you because this was a painful part of your past?
When talking to your partner instead of asserting your control, use phrases like “I need...,” “I feel hurt when…,” or “In this moment can you…” These phrases convey more of a specific need you are trying to express rather than a general criticism of something they need to change. When you find yourself being manipulative (you know who you are and you know when you are doing it), take a break from the conversation.
Secondly, work toward healing these wounds yourself. If you didn’t feel seen by your mom growing up, work toward feeling healthy, self-compassionate individuality as an adult. If you were often fearful of your dad, work to recognize the power you hold as the mature adult that you are. Often therapy, tapping into spirituality, and active reflection can help with this process. When we work to recover from past wounds, we become a much better partner than when we expect our partners to heal these wounds for us.