Intimacy Uncovered: What You Need to Know about Sexual Shame and How to Heal
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
How do you feel when you think about sex? Do you feel excited, confident, or eager to connect with the person you love? If so, give yourself a pat on the back. You likely enjoy sex.
But what if sex brings up different feelings for you? Feelings like embarrassment, fear, disgust, or self-consciousness? You may be struggling with sexual shame. You are not alone.
What is Sexual Shame?
Human sexuality can be a source of intimacy, power, creativity, and pleasure. Unfortunately, if you grew up in a household where sex was considered dirty, immoral, or tabboo, or if you are a survivor of sexual abuse or a recipient of shaming messages about your body, the thought of sex alone might be enough to make your skin crawl.
Sexual shame is the experience of feeling “bad,” “wrong,” or inferior about any of the following:
Body size or shape
Appearance of genitals
Sexual bodily fluids
Sexual desire
Fantasies
Kinks
Sexual performance
Attraction
Where Does Sexual Shame Come From?
Sexual shame can be a result of direct messages from parents or religious figures about sex being dirty, sinful, or shameful. It can also result from implicit societal messaging, including pornography, advertising, cultural norms, and music.
For example, a child who is caught masturbating and scolded for touching his or her genitals might learn to equate sexual pleasure with immorality. Similarly, a woman of color who repeatedly sees porn consisting of only slender, white women may come to believe that her body is ugly or undesirable.
Naturally, sexual abuse can create a unique set of negative associations around sex. Individuals who have experienced sexual abuse can struggle with shame caused by blaming themselves for the abuse or feeling like their bodies betrayed them by feeling physical pleasure during something they now know was wrong.
Regardless of the sources of sexual shame, healing is possible with therapy, personal practices, or a combination of both.
Breaking the Curse
If you struggle with sexual shame, hearing friends, R&B artists, and rom com characters talking about the pleasure they feel from sex can feel alienating. You may feel hopeless, like you’ve been cursed to live a life of sexual dissatisfaction forever. This is not the case! The following exercises can help you reduce sexual shame and discover the intimacy and pleasure of sex, maybe for the first time.
Talk About It
Shame thrives in the dark. Shed light on sexual shame by talking about it with people you trust. As you notice the feelings that arise when you talk about sexual shame, take deep breaths and imagine them moving through you until they eventually dissipate. Each time you do this, you will release more of the shame built up inside.
Have Sex with Safe People
Learn or relearn the true beauty of sex by having it with people who accept you and allow you to feel safe in your vulnerability. Try out different sexual positions, speeds, and activities, making sure to stay open minded while also holding boundaries that align with your values and level of comfortability.
Look at Your Genitals in a Mirror
Believe it or not, many people have not done this. Get as comfortable with seeing your genitals as you are with seeing the rest of your face and body. Not comfortable looking at yourself in the mirror at all? Spend more time looking at your entire being! The more comfortable you get with yourself, the more comfortable you will feel being naked with another person.
Invite Curiosity about Where Beliefs Come From
If you experience sexual shame but never thought much about it, now is the time to get curious. Identify the negative beliefs you have about sex or your body, and ask yourself where they come from. If you realize that they stem from culture or religion, study these structures and develop your own understanding of them. I’m not saying throw out everything you believe in, but ask yourself if any of your shaming beliefs might be rooted in misinterpretations, or if they are missing a necessary element of self-compassion. Consider what it would look like to let go of shame and still remain true to your values.
Moving Forward
Sexual shame is not an easy beast to wrestle with. Often, it is a slow process that requires appreciation for each inch moved closer to appreciation for your sexuality. To learn more about sexual shame, where it comes from, and how to overcome it, reach out to admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com
Related articles:
Set Your Sex Life on Fire: The Difference between Sexual Intercourse and Sensual Intercourse
Is Faith-Based Counseling Right for You?
Let’s Talk About Sex: Tips for Talking to Your Partner about Your Sex Life