3 Tips to Help You Kiss Dating Anxiety Goodbye
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Four months after the partial reopening of Chicago, dating is back in full swing, and so is the anxiety that comes with it.
Even before the threat of catching COVID, dating could be scary. First dates, especially, are often awkward, intimidating, or boring. The combination of uncertainty and vulnerability during a first date can be uncomfortable for anybody. For someone with anxiety, it can feel unbearable, even causing some to opt out of dating altogether, despite their desire for companionship.
Not everybody loves dating, and that’s okay. The goal of a first date isn’t necessarily to have the time of your life, but to get to know a new person, determine if the building blocks of a healthy relationship are there, and yes- have a good time whether you see the other person again or not. Try these strategies to help you feel more relaxed and confident during any date, even the first.
Ignore Anxious Thoughts
Thoughts like, “I look fat in this dress,” or “This is going to be awkward,” might feel true, but that doesn’t mean they are. Our brains have a tendency to predict the worst, thanks to our prehistoric ancestors’ need to avoid threats. Now that we no longer have to watch out for tigers, the modern brain perceives the possibility of things like rejection and embarrassment the same way- as threats to our lives.
Imagine that your anxious thoughts are like the music playing at a restaurant. You hear it, but once you focus your attention on the conversation, it fades into the background, and eventually you ignore it altogether.
Replace Anxious Thoughts
Another tactic to reduce dating anxiety is to replace anxious thoughts as they come up. First, practice noticing your thoughts more often. When you catch yourself having a negative thought, try replacing it with something that is more positive and also true. For example, instead of thinking, “He/she doesn’t like me,” try, “The right person will like me for me.”
Play Out the Worst Case Scenario
Anxiety loves the “What If” game. “What if I spill my drink?” “What if I’m late?” “What if I get bored?” Very seldom do we actually pause and give ourselves the opportunity to answer these questions.
Take some time before your next first date, and write out the answers to your biggest What If’s. What if you are bored on the date? Will you stay an hour? A half-hour? How will you excuse yourself early if you want to go home? When we stop and think, we typically find that we have the resources to answer our own questions. Reminding yourself of this can help reduce worry and improve your confidence as you go into the situation.
With the right tools, you can turn dating from something overwhelming into something enjoyable. Learn more about how to reduce dating anxiety by visiting the ELEVATED Life Counseling Services page, or follow @therapywithmaryclaire on Instagram.