5 Kinds of Expectations Every Couple Should Set
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Why do you get upset when your partner comes home later than they say they will? Why do you get excited when they surprise you with flowers? In every relationship, both partners have their own set of expectations. When your expectations are met or exceeded, you feel loved, appreciated, and satisfied with your relationship. When they’re not, conflict ensues, and the relationship can suffer.
While every couple has expectations for their partner, they might not be aware of them, much less each other’s. Understanding your relationship expectations and communicating them with your partner is important. When you know what your expectations are, it’s easier to decide if you’re in the right relationship or not. Sharing your expectations with your partner gives them the opportunity to meet your needs appropriately.
Identify and communicate your expectations in the following areas in order to set your standards, increase your relationship satisfaction, and teach your partner how to treat you:
Effort
In order for a relationship to be healthy, both sides must make an effort to build and maintain it. Talk to your partner about how much effort each of you are putting into the relationship and what it would look like for the other to contribute equally. If the balance feels uneven, discuss what needs to happen differently. Remember, you can’t make someone put in more effort than they’re willing to. If you find you’re doing all the work, it may be time to walk away.
Time
Time spent together is an area where many people differ in relationships. While one partner might feel satisfied with a date or two per week, the other might expect several overnights with texts and phone calls in between. Decide what’s reasonable for you and your partner, depending on both of your schedules and needs.
Affection
What makes a romantic partner different from a platonic friend? Affection. Affection can be verbal or physical. Ask yourself what it takes for you to feel loved by your partner and let them know. Avoid vague statements, such as, “I need you to be more affectionate,” and opt instead for specifics like “In order to feel valued, I need to hear ‘I love you’ at least once per day.”
Treatment
This one is important because of the possible severity of poor treatment by a partner. No matter who you’re dating, you will at some point feel emotionally hurt or let down by them. Identify your limits. What constitutes grounds for breaking up? Is it cheating? Name calling? Disappearing from the house or ghosting you for days on end? Draw the line in the sand and tell your partner ahead of time, so there is no confusion about what you’re not willing to accept. Know that in the case of physical abuse or threat of violence, the safest choice is always to end the relationship immediately.
Communication
Most problems in relationships can be solved with adequate communication. Decide with your partner what good communication looks like. If you prefer to never go to bed angry, but your partner’s the type to need a day to gather their thoughts before resolving a conflict, try working out a compromise that meets both of your needs.
Setting your expectations, communicating them to your partner, and sticking to them helps ensure you’re dating quality partners and promotes growth and closeness once you’re in a relationship. While upholding your expectations takes work, finding a partner who finally meets them or celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary will serve as proof that it is always worth it.