Let’s Talk About Sex: tips for talking to your partner about your sex life
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
When clients come to me to discuss low sex drive and desire, there are always a couple items we check in on as we explore the problem. One of those things is to what extent they enjoy the sex they are having with their partner. This covers all sorts of ground: are they feeling pleasure during sex, are they feeling connected during sex, does their partner attend to their needs, are they attracted to their partner, are they doing the things they like to do while having sex?
The logic behind this question is clear: why would one want to have more sex if the sex they are having isn’t that satisfying?
Of course a lot of people are having the sex that they like and feels good to them. However, others may feel that sex is mediocre, “fine”, less than satisfying, or feels like a chore. The latter group leads me to ask about whether or not they have had a recent conversation about their sex life with their partner. The resounding answer is no.
And this makes sense. Talking to your partner about sex can be difficult for several reasons. If sex was not discussed in the home growing up, it makes sense that you might have difficulty talking to your partner about it. If sex has ever been seen as shameful or taboo, then of course you wouldn’t want that to be casual dinner conversation. And what I think is the biggest barrier: sex is often seen as something we all should know how to do without ever talking about it. This is reinforced by media, pornography, and social norms.
So, if you’re finding it difficult to talk to your partner about sex, know that you’re not the only one! However, avoiding the topic will only hurt the relationship rather than help. Even if you feel scared or awkward, it is often worthwhile. Here are some tips on how to approach the topic.
Carve Out Some Time
Like with all important conversations, timing is key. It is usually not ideal to talk about your sex life right before or after being intimate with each other. This is usually too vulnerable of a time to have an honest conversation. Instead, pick a time where you two are both calm and in a good mood. Stick to sex as the main topic instead of lumping it into part of a relationship check-up conversation.
Review What Turns You Both On
People change over time, so it’s realistic to expect that what was once a turn on for you and for your partner may have changed over the years. It’s also possible that you or your partner have discovered a completely new part of sex. Talk through what gets you interested in sex, citing things that include you partner and things do not. For instance, after Fifty Shades of Grey was published and popularized, many women felt more comfortable talking about how erotic fiction was effective at triggering desire and arousal.
Questions to ask are: when do you feel most drawn to me/when do I feel most drawn to you? What are some things that trigger the urge to be intimate?
What is Going Well and Areas for Improvement
Reinforce the parts of your sex life that you enjoy. Congratulate each other for a job well done. It’s okay to be playful, even if it’s a serious conversation. Questions to ask are: What do you want to continue doing in our sex life? What do you like most that we already do?
When discussing areas for improvement, focus less on the mechanics of sex and more on the barriers that get in the way of enjoying sex. If you’re struggling to be in the moment, discuss ways to minimize distractions. If you’re feeling self-conscious at any point in bed, see if you two can problem solve how to reduce that. If initiating sex feels routine and takes away from the enjoyment, put your heads together to explore different ways to initiate. Basically, remember that this is a partnered activity and therefore you can work together to come up with the solutions. Questions to ask are: What gets in the way of fully enjoying sex? What could we do to make our sex better?
Use a Sex Positive Approach When Talking About the Mechanics
If you’re finding that the actual mechanics are not going well - there’s not enough/too much foreplay, you’d like more/less variety, you wish sex was more/less frequent, etc - it’s time to be honest about this. I often encourage my clients to fill out a Sexual Interest Inventory to help facilitate this conversation.
Ultimately, if there is a discrepancy in what you two want or don’t want, avoid convincing your partner that your needs are more important. Instead, attempt to be solution-focused so both of you get your needs/wants met. This may lead you to seek out sex therapy to help solve this problem if you can’t solve it between the two of you. Questions to ask are: When we are being sexual, what could make the experience more pleasurable? Is there anything you would like more/less of?
Sexual desire is not the most straightforward issue, so having these types of conversations often can be beneficial. Desire and eroticism deals both with the drive toward pleasure and is intertwined with the messiness of humans. It’s not always clean and simple. Ultimately, be patient with yourself as a couple and as an individual.