I’ll Show You: Unpacking the Urge to Get Even in Relationships
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
We all know that no relationship is perfect. Fighting is a normal and healthy part of every relationship. But when you feel hurt, rejected, ignored or dismissed by your partner, how do you handle it? Do you attempt to keep getting your point across? Do you try to control how your partner behaves? When you're hurt, do you tell your partner everything they’ve ever done to hurt you? Or do you get back at them somehow, either discreetly or overtly?
Some people do a combo of all these strategies, but today we will explore the last one: getting even.
“Getting even” sounds a bit dramatic, so let me provide an example. Though I’m not proud of it, I’m a pouter. I started doing this when I was a child, when I felt I was being ignored, and I continue to do it on occasion with my husband (though I’m much better than I used to be). When I pout I don’t make eye contact, I use short, cold quips to communicate and I also lie and say “I’m fine.”
As you can imagine this behavior irritates the hell out of my husband, as he searches for the reasons why I’m upset. At the beginning of our relationship, this could go on for hours. Now, I’m pleased to inform you that the longest I pout is about 30 minutes or so before I come back to being the evolved, mature adult that I am.
What doesn’t always seem clear when you try to get even is that you are actually trying to get your needs met, just in a wonky way. There is usually an unconscious desire to act in a way that will make your mate feel the same things that you feel. Unconsciously you hope that if they know how it feels to be hurt in the way they hurt you, they won’t do it again. If, for example, you argue with your partner and feel unheard or invalidated, you may give them the silent treatment. You’re hoping that they will experience what it’s like to feel unheard and unseen, thinking that if they know how painful it is, they will change their behavior.
In the words of famous TV personality, Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?” If you find that you keep repeating the retaliatory behavior, it’s probably not gleaning the desired effect.
Other examples of getting even include: the silent treatment, withholding sex or intimacy, withdrawing from your partner with anger and resentment, cheating, neglecting aspects of home life like chores and family time, talking negatively to your partner’s family about your partner, putting your partner down in front of family/children and friends, using alcohol and substances in response to an argument, using your kids as leverage, crossing financial boundaries you’ve set, name calling, or not showing up for important events because you are mad. This is not an exhaustive list. Getting even can look like just about anything in a relationship, so it’s important to search for the intended reaction you are hoping to get out of your partner to determine if this is what you are doing.
These misguided attempts to get your needs met usually just produce more chaos and disconnection in the relationship. The first step to changing this behavior is recognizing when you do this yourself and identifying the consequences that follow. Write down how you’ve attempted to get even with your partner and whether or not it has actually worked in your favor in the long term of the relationship.
If you notice yourself heading in that direction, working to get even, stop and breath for a moment. Take a break if necessary by going for a walk or a drive (but communicate that to your partner first). Understand that “getting even” is an ineffective way to get what you want. Be stern with yourself with statements like “cut it out” or “that’s not helpful.” Coax yourself back to being the mature adult who wants to make the relationship work. Choose a calmer moment to talk to your partner about what you need from them.
Ultimately, if you are still not getting what you need from your partner, consider seeing a couples therapist. It can be helpful to have a third party help you through issues that continue to pop up in the relationship.