One Expert Can Predict Which Couples Will Divorce With 93% Accuracy: Here's How

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Relationship researcher, John Gottman, spent four decades studying what makes relationships last. Based on 7 studies he conducted on couples who stay together vs. couples who divorce, Gottman is now able to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a married couple will divorce. While there are many factors that contribute to a couple’s decision to end their marriage, Gottman identifies 4 behaviors as the most common predictors of splitting up.

Find out below if you or your partner are guilty of any of these 4 behaviors, as well as how to correct them.

Criticism

The first of what Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” is criticism. No matter who your partner is, there will always be things about them you don’t like. Criticism is when you point out your partner’s flaws in a harsh or unhelpful way. For example, it is healthy to tell your partner you feel grossed out when they eat potato chips in bed. Calling your partner a slob or telling them how messy they are is criticism.

To avoid being critical of your partner, practice giving them feedback that is more focused on their behavior than their character. A helpful way to voice dissatisfaction with something your partner does is by using the framework, “I feel _____ when _____. I need _____.”

Example: “I feel lonely when you come home from work late. I need you to be home by 7pm.”

Instead of: “You’re a workaholic.”

Defensiveness

Defensiveness looks like responding to your partner’s feedback by trying to explain yourself instead of accepting responsibility, or by pointing out a shortcoming of theirs when faced with one of your own. For example, if your partner points out the excessive amount of time you spend on your phone, and you respond by bringing up the time they took a phone call during dinner, you’re being defensive.

One method of communication that helps eliminate defensiveness is to fully articulate your partner’s point of view before responding with your own. Allow your partner to express their thoughts and feelings without interrupting. Then, restate what your partner said and ask whether or not your interpretation is correct. Then, respond. This exercise helps you understand what it is like to be in your partner’s shoes, so you can come up with a solution to the problem that works for both of you.

Stonewalling

In simple terms, stonewalling means tuning your partner out. If your partner has ever refused to make eye contact with you, started doing something entirely different, or given you the silent treatment during a conversation, then you’ve experienced stonewalling.

Stonewalling may appear as a lack of care about your partner’s feelings, or vice versa if you’re on the receiving end, but this may not actually be the case. Stonewalling is often a sign of being overwhelmed. If you or your partner are stonewalling, take a break from the conversation and agree on a time when you can discuss it further. This will give each of you time to process your thoughts and emotions and return to the issue much more emotionally regulated.

Contempt

Contempt, according to Gottman, is the most deadly out of the four relationship-killing behaviors. Contempt is criticism or dismissal of your partner, but with an added air of superiority. Contempt is demonstrated by eye rolling, smirking, and condescending comments like, “You made salmon for dinner? Guess I’m going to bed hungry tonight.”

If you notice that you’ve been speaking to your partner with contempt, be intentional about noticing their qualities you appreciate. Notice their strengths and uniqueness in order to reduce the focus on their shortcomings. If your partner is contemptuous toward you, use the “I” statements described under the “Criticism” section to express how your partner’s behavior affects you and what you need to change.

At first, noticing that you or your partner engage in any of these behaviors may cause you to worry about the future of your relationship. This fear is not irrational! Maintaining relationships takes ongoing work. Knowing that any of these behaviors could potentially lead to the end of your relationship allows you the opportunity to correct them and strengthen your relationship like never before.

To learn more about making your relationship last, consider beginning either individual or couple’s therapy at ELEVATED Life Counseling. To get started, reach out to one of our clinicians by clicking the Staff page above.

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