The Magic Ratio: What to look out for when fighting with your partner
All couples fight. It is normal for both happy and unhappy couples and at times it can be a helpful part of a relationship. One may ask, just how much fighting is okay? The work of Research Psychologist John Gottman, PhD, points to the fact that it’s not about how much fighting there is in a relationship. It’s about the types of interactions people have within those conflicts.
When I first learned about Gottman, I was a tad intimidated. In reading about him I learned that he is known for being able to predict whether or not a couple will get divorced with 95% accuracy in just one meeting with them. Yikes!
Dr. Gottman has devoted his career to researching couples and learning about the characteristics that are found in both happy and unhappy relationships. And while there are many factors that go into what creates happiness and satisfaction for couples, one figure in particular has always stood out to me from Gottman’s work: the 5-to-1 ratio.
Gottman learned that couples who consistently report being happy and satisfied in their relationship tend to have a ratio of 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction during conflict. In other words, happy couples have positive interactions five times more often than negative interactions when they fight.
We may think to ourselves that all conflict is negative, but considering that conflict is inevitable, what Gottman means by “negative” is often what we think of as ineffective communication. High levels of defensiveness, sneering, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or avoiding the conversation completely are all examples of negative interactions.
“Positive” interactions within conflict don’t necessarily mean agreeing with everything your partner says, or backing down from your position. Instead, we can think of positive interactions as listening with the intention of understanding, admitting faults and apologizing when needed, laughing or making jokes that both people find humorous, mutually deciding to take a break from the conversation, validating, and ultimately trying to create a way to solve the problem.
Take inventory of how your next conflict goes. If you’re seeing that the negative interactions far outweigh the positives, it could be helpful to examine this further. Reading is a great place to start and I often recommend that my clients read Dr. Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work. Individual and/or couples therapy can also be an effective way to manage the conflict.
The most interesting thing I learned from the 5-to-1 ratio is that it is not necessarily how often a couple fights that is important, but rather how they interact within the conflict. I think this is helpful to remember, and it is something that all couples can benefit from recognizing.