People Who Do THIS Tend To Be Happier in Relationships: Learn Their Secret
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
What makes a relationship healthy? Is it respect? Mutual support? Open communication? You may know what a strong relationship looks like, but knowing how to get there can be difficult. Sometimes, your temper flares up when you get frustrated by your partner, or life gets busy, and you find yourself being short and distant.
No relationship is perfect, but researchers have identified one skill that tends to lead to more happiness in all relationships, regardless of their imperfections- self-compassion. Read on to learn more about self-compassion and how it can transform your relationships.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion can be defined as kindness toward yourself, especially during times of hardship. It means accepting yourself, flaws and all, and being gentle with yourself instead of critical. Even when they make terrible mistakes, self-compassionate people understand that a bad decision is not the same thing as being a bad person, and that they are still worthy of love regardless of their imperfections.
How Will It Help My Relationship?
Kristin Neff, PhD. has conducted extensive research on self-compassion and found that kindness toward yourself can improve both your romantic and platonic relationships in a number of ways.
For instance, research subjects who scored higher on Neff’s self-compassion scale were found to be more caring, accepting, and supportive of their partners. They also reported being more authentic, affectionate, and intimate with their partners.
Because those who scored lower on the self-compassion scale struggled to meet their own emotional needs, they tended to be more domineering, controlling, and verbally aggressive with their romantic partners. Their self-compassionate counterparts were more generous and giving and were more likely to allow their partners healthy freedom and autonomy because of their capability to self-soothe.
Overall, the more self-compassionate subjects reported more happiness in their relationships than those who scored lower on the scale. Likewise, the partners of these self-compassionate people reported more relationship happiness as well.
How To Practice Self-Compassion
Self-Kindness: One of the simplest ways to practice self-compassion is to talk to yourself the same way you’d talk to a dear friend in your exact situation. For example, if your friend came to you and said they yelled at their spouse the night before, it’s unlikely that you’d tell them what a terrible, mean person they are.
Instead, you may validate their feelings, remind them that it’s okay to make mistakes, and offer some words of encouragement for the next time they’re in a similar situation. You may also use terms of endearment, like “darling” or “love.” Next time you find yourself using critical self-talk, choose to shift your language to the kind you’d use with a friend.
Common Humanity: Another important aspect of self-compassion is recognizing that you are only human, and just like everybody else, you are imperfect. We all make mistakes and experience pain. When you’re being hard on yourself, you likely feel like there is no one else in the world who’s as messed up as you are, but really, everybody suffers. Our struggles connect us. Focusing on this commonality will help you feel less isolated during difficult times.
Mindfulness: The last necessary component of self-compassion is mindfulness. Mindfulness means acknowledging and being present with yourself and your emotions, including pain. When you’re going through a tough time, try noticing your thoughts and feelings exactly as they are. Don’t exaggerate them, but don’t downplay them either. Just witness your experience. By doing this, you’re helping yourself become part of your own support system. You’re also better able to respond to situations when you see them with this kind of clarity.
Go Forth and Love
Being compassionate towards others is much easier when you’re able to be compassionate with yourself. Next time, you’re in the middle of a difficult moment with your partner, pause and take a self-compassion break. Notice what you’re feeling, remember that you’re not alone in your pain, and then talk to yourself in the kind, loving way you would talk to someone else you care about.
Loving yourself in this way will help you feel calmer and more complete. These feelings will pour into your relationships, just as negative emotions like stress and anger do. To improve the relationship happiness of both you and your romantic partner, fill yourself with love, and watch how that love overflows into everyone around you.
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