Why Is It So Easy To Fall for Someone You Can't Be With?
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
“You always want what you can’t have.”
It’s a saying as old as time- one that most people can, in one way or another, relate to, especially when it comes to romance. Whether it shows up in the form of a crush on your boss, pining after someone who’s already married, or falling for a local while vacationing in a foreign country, there’s something about loving a person you know you can’t be with that feels more intoxicating than other, more realistic relationships.
But Why?
Late sexologist, Jack Morin, author of the book The Erotic Mind, wrote about something he called The Erotic Equation:
Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement
When you’re attracted to someone but for whatever reason can’t be with them, you start to want them even more. Your mind floods with fantasies of what it would be like if you could be together. The pain of not being able to live out these fantasies can be excruciating.
How It Hurts
Although the experience of wanting what you can’t have is pretty universal, it’s important to make sure you’re not obsessing about unattainable relationships for longer than necessary. Yes, allowing yourself to feel your feelings is crucial, but spending too much time dwelling on them can distract you from relationships that actually have the possibility of panning out. Also, focusing too much on impossible relationships could cause unnecessary feelings of hopelessness about your ability to ever find a fulfilling relationship.
How It Helps
Having feelings for someone you know you may never be with is painful, but you can take beneficial lessons away from the experience. Every relationship, crush, and even friendship offers valuable information about yourself and what you’re looking for in a future relationship. To turn your feelings of frustration and sadness into encouragement and fuel for growth, ask yourself these questions:
What Do I Like About This Person?
Regardless of the obstacle that’s amping up your excitement, the erotic equation starts with initial attraction. What is it that drew you to this person to begin with? Was it their looks? Something about their personality? Pinpoint these factors and mentally bookmark them. They are hints about the qualities you desire in a future partner.
Look on the Bright Side
Okay, I’m aware this sounds dangerously close to toxic positivity, but hear me out. I often work with singles who feel discouraged by both the amount of potential partners out there and their ability to find a person they really “click” with. The fact that you found someone you feel this way about, even if you can’t be with them specifically, is evidence that there are people in the world you’re attracted to and can see yourself with. Getting over a crush that you know won’t go anywhere is brutal, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel waiting for you. In time, you can find someone else you feel strongly about, and maybe things will work with them.
A Lesson in Grief
Whether we like it or not, life is full of difficult situations, many of which include loss of people and things we have, as well as loss of ideas, or people and things we wish we had. Either way, when we encounter a loss, we experience grief.
Unrequited or impossible love offers you a window into your own grief process. As you walk through the experience, notice your feelings. Where are they in your body? How do they change on a day to day or even moment to moment basis? How long will it take you to heal from this heartbreak? What can you learn about yourself as you go through it?
Mindfully witnessing your grief can prepare you to deal with the emotion again in the future. Practice the balance of allowing yourself to experience pain and self-regulating using self-compassionate and encouraging self-talk. Next time you encounter grief, whether by losing a loved one or finding out someone else got the promotion you wanted, you will be better equipped to deal with it.
Accepting Reality
If you think the person you’ve fallen for lacks the qualities you need in a partner, you may try to rationalize trying to be with them anyways. Be careful to check your hopefulness with your value system. Perhaps you would be willing to take the risk of dating someone long distance. Would you also be willing to compromise your resolution to only date people of the same faith background? Would you see someone on the side who was already in a committed relationship?
These situations are different for everybody. When in doubt, rely on your values, as they are likely far less fickle than your emotions. If you know deep down that entering a relationship with someone despite the obstacles would violate your values, begin allowing yourself to grieve the fact that this particular relationship will most likely not work out. Yes, it’s hard and may even border on emotional torture! Remember, however, that each time you let go of the idea of a relationship that isn’t right for you, you’re one step closer to finding the one that is.