How To Be an Antiracist White Partner in an Interracial Relationship
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Between 1967 and 2015, interracial marriage has increased by almost 600%. This statistic reflects more acceptance of interracial relationships now than in prior decades, but as evidenced by countless instances of systemic racism and police brutality, coming to a head with the murder of George Floyd in May of 2020, the issue of racism in America is far from gone.
More recently, Rachel Kirkconnell, winner of Season 25 of The Bachelor, which is known for being the first season to feature a Black Bachelor, was exposed for attending and taking pictures at an antebellum plantation-themed party during college, ultimately leading to the end of her relationship with James.
Hopefully, if you are in a relationship, you recognize the importance of supporting your partner. For white people in interracial relationships, the responsibility of supporting a partner of color include not only basic validation and encouragement, but also self-exploration, participation in difficult conversations, education, and advocacy. Read on to learn how to do the work.
Know and Explore your Biases
Whether you realize it or not, you carry conscious and/or unconscious beliefs about race. Part of being a white ally and partner means digging up your embedded beliefs about people of color from various backgrounds. Ask yourself what kind of messaging you received about Black, Latinx, Indigenous, Middle-Eastern, and South Asian people growing up. How did these messages differ from the ones you received about white people, and how do they impact you and your relationship with your partner and their family today?
Listen and Learn, Even When It’s Uncomfortable
Once you’ve identified your inherent biases, the next step is to challenge them. This means consuming antiracist books, documentaries, podcasts, and webinars, as well as submerging yourself in diverse communities, and having conversations with your partner about what it is like for them to be a person of color in America.
Challenging racial ignorance, biases, and insensitivity can feel uncomfortable, but it is necessary. Take in new information with an open mind, and invite curiosity about what you can learn from your partner’s experiences that you didn't know before. Ask your partner how you can support them in difficult situations instead of assuming you know what they need.
Advocate
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Education without social action is a one-sided value because it has no true power potential.” Knowing about racial inequality and its impact on your partner may be validating for them, but unless antiracist white allies take action, little will ever be solved.
Utilize your abilities by attending protests, donating to organizations, standing up to others who make racist comments, and spreading your knowledge to other white people in your circle. Ask your partner what it would be like for the two of you to engage in activism together. Understand that they might find this empowering or bonding, or they might feel exhausted by the idea after already having to explain racism and face racial bias day after day. Validate your partner and continue to advocate for racial justice and equality either way.
Acknowledging your whiteness and its privileges can be uncomfortable both in and out of a relationship. In order to be an antiracist partner and member of society, taking steps to understand privilege and bias, educate yourself on race, and communicate with your partner and others about the topic is necessary. For more information about how to have difficult yet effective conversations with your partner, please see the “Contact Us” tab above.
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