Your Friendships Can Only Go So Far Without This Magic Ingredient...

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

In a world that seems to value appearances and social media followers above much else, it’s easy to believe that the best way to make friends is to put your best self out there- to make yourself seem as attractive as possible in hopes that others will be drawn to your appearance, engaging personality, or clout.

Well, you’re not wrong.  Doing this likely will make others want to be around you.  After all, many of them are probably chasing the same things.  But are these kinds of friendships really satisfying?  Do they even last?

All humans desire belonging and social attachment.  Sure, superficial relationships may be easy to find if you’re able to perfect the way you portray yourself, but real attachment requires compassion, acceptance, and love.  You can perfect your Instagram, buy all the right clothes, learn how to make people laugh, and join every social group on the planet and still be missing the one ingredient that makes true friendship possible: authenticity.

To learn how to find your authentic self and show up genuinely during social interactions, keep reading.

What Is the Authentic Self?

Throughout life, we learn to act how we think other people want us to.  We do this by analyzing different situations, such as when we’re praised for telling a funny joke or ignored when talking about a not-so-popular music group.  Each time, our brains take notes: what kinds of behaviors lead to acceptance from others, and which heighten the risk of rejection?

Your authentic self is who you are when you strip away this coding.  It’s your real sense of humor, the kinds of music you actually like, the personality traits, preferences, and insecurities that make you who you are, whether other people like you for them or not.

Why Is Authenticity Important?

When you stop trying to be who you think other people want you to be, you increase your chances of being liked for who you really are.  Now, this doesn’t mean that more people will necessarily like you.  They may not.  What it means is that if you’re in a room of 100 people and you decide to be as authentic as possible, you may only connect with 2 people, but you can rest assured that those 2 people genuinely like you for you.

This is a beautiful thing.  This is the basis of intimacy.  Relationships, whether platonic or romantic, are the most fulfilling when those in them are able to see, accept, and like or love each other for who they really are, imperfections and all.

Does This Mean You Should Have No Filter?

No.  In fact, having a filter is necessary.  Being authentic does not mean you have to be rude, offensive, or inappropriate.  Filtering the things you say and do in order to help others feel comfortable or respected demonstrates social intelligence and is conducive to making and keeping friends.  It is very possible to be your authentic self while employing healthy boundaries.

How To Find and Be Your Authentic Self

To learn more about your authentic self and start approaching social settings more genuinely, follow the following tips:

Dive Deep

Take some time to journal about what truly makes you you.  What are you interested in?  What do you value?  What are some of your most prominent personality traits?  What are some of the most subtle ones?  What makes you happy or excited?  What makes you sad or angry?

Answer these questions as honestly as you can, noticing any shame or embarrassment if it arises.

Resolve Shame

If you do find yourself feeling ashamed of things about yourself, get curious about why.  Were you made fun of for these qualities in the past?  Has the media or society told you that these traits are “uncool”?  How did your parents react to these things about you when you were a child?  Practice accepting yourself by challenging any negative beliefs about who you are.  This can be a tough step, and it may be helpful to work with a therapist in order to navigate it.

Put Yourself in the Right Environments

If I were a vegetarian who wanted to feel more comfortable being my authentic self, I would not sign up to join a hunting club.  Instead, I’d join a group of animal rights activists.  It’s not that you can’t be around different kinds of people and still practice authenticity, but if you’re looking to make friends who accept you for who you are, you’re better off surrounding yourself with likeminded people.  Think about where you’d feel most comfortable showing up as your authentic self, and start practicing there.

Stay Present

It’s easy to slip back into old patterns of trying to impress those around you.  Remember that doing this takes you further away from your authentic self.  Slow down during your social interactions and take risks.  Where can you find opportunities to voice your real opinion about something or let a personality characteristic you’re less confident about show through?  Notice if you start performing for others, and ask yourself what you can do to be more true to yourself in that moment.

Repeat

This.  Takes.  Practice.  Society doesn’t always value authenticity.  You have likely received messaging throughout your life telling you how much better you’d be if you were only someone else.  Practicing being your true self around others may be difficult and even painful at first.  Stay dedicated.  Continue digging for your authentic self both when you’re alone and with others.  In time, not only will others notice and begin to appreciate the real you, but you’ll be able to recognize and get to know others for their authentic selves as well.

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