Should You Stay Friends with Your Ex?
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Letting go of your partner after breaking up can feel excruciating. The grief of saying goodbye to dreams you had as a couple is often compounded by the sheer loss of the other person’s companionship. For many, the answer lies in these three words: “Let’s stay friends.”
Staying friends with an ex is controversial. Some swear it’s a terrible idea, and others have been successful at doing so. The answer to whether or not you should stay friends with your ex is not as straightforward as you might hope. Everybody’s situation is different. Ask yourself the questions below for help making this very individualized decision:
Are you safe?
If your ex was physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive, the answer to this question is an automatic “no.” Although it’s hard to say goodbye to an ex, even if the relationship was toxic, protecting your safety has to be a top priority. To cope with feelings of heartbreak or loneliness in a healthy way, spend more time with your friends, join a support group, pick up a new hobby, or start going to therapy. The sadness you feel now won’t last forever. Soon, you’ll thank yourself for moving on from something that wasn’t healthy.
How will your decision affect future relationships?
When deciding whether or not to stay friends with an ex, play the mental tape forward to when you’re ready to begin a new relationship. Will having your ex in your life prolong your ability to feel ready to be with someone else? How might your next partner react if you tell them you’re hanging out with your ex? The answers to these questions will likely depend on the seriousness of you and your ex-partner’s relationship. Be honest with yourself as you answer them, and set yourself up for future success.
Is there still chemistry?
Chemistry in a friendship can make it...well...hard to stay just friends! Ask yourself how likely it is that you’ll be tempted to be romantic or sexual with your ex while trying to have a friendly hangout. Even if you know you can resist, is your friendship worth the agony of longing?
What are the benefits?
Sometimes, maintaining or rekindling a friendship with an ex can be healing. You may also genuinely like your ex and consider them a valuable addition to your social circle. Before deciding, weigh the costs and benefits of a friendship. If you’re struggling to identify any benefits, get curious about your real motives, and decide accordingly.
Although it can seem like everyone has their own opinion on whether or not friendship with an ex is a good- or even possible- idea, the truth is there is no one “right” decision. Deciding whether or not to stay friends with an ex requires considering many factors and using self-honesty and wisdom. Considering the history of your relationship, the current state of it, and your potential future relationships can help you put the decision in context and make the choice most likely to serve you in the long run.
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3 Signs You and Your Partner Have Chemistry and Why It Matters