My Partner Isn’t Attracted To Me Anymore: What Do I Do?
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
No matter how compatible two people are, the defining quality of romantic relationships is almost always attraction. Attraction is what initially draws two people together. It’s what sparks interest and creates sexual chemistry. Without it, two people who otherwise get along very well might as well be friends or roommates.
Finding out that your partner is no longer attracted to you can feel painful and shocking, and may cause feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, but it doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship. Read on to learn what to do to rebuild attraction if your partner confesses they love you, but they’re just not feeling it.
Find Out How Your Partner Really Feels
An attraction to somebody, or lack thereof, can mean several different things. Most commonly, we think of physical attraction to one’s outward appearance when we hear the term, but you can also feel attracted to your partner’s personality, character traits, or behaviors.
Upon hearing or noticing signs that your partner is feeling less attracted to you, you might initially feel offended. Acknowledge these feelings, then have a conversation with your partner about what they really mean. Is there something physically different about you, or are they turned off by something you’ve recently started or stopped doing? Or is there something going on with them that has nothing to do with you at all? Get very clear on what, exactly, is putting the brakes on your partner’s attraction to you, even if it’s uncomfortable to hear.
Check the Relationship
Sometimes, less attraction between partners is a reflection of something going on in the relationship. If your relationship has been distant or volatile, your partner’s loss of attraction could be a subconscious protective mechanism, serving to help them avoid feelings of rejection or sadness. If this feels like the case, try discussing and addressing underlying relationship problems and see if attraction naturally shows itself again.
Set Boundaries
This step is important if your partner feels dissatisfied with something that has physically changed about you, such as your weight, hair color, or style of dress. While it’s important to take care of your health, and you may be willing to switch up different elements of your style according to your partner’s preferences, it is never okay for them to belittle or shame you. Decide what you are willing and unwilling to change, and make sure your partner knows where you draw the line in terms of what you are willing to do to please them.
Compromise
After deciding on and voicing your boundaries to your partner, explore together where each of you can compromise in order to increase attraction. For example, if your partner is feeling less attracted due to a pandemic-related reduction in times you dress up to go out, perhaps the two of you can plan weekly date nights and both dress up for dinner together.
Do Your Own Thing
One common misconception many couples have is that spending more time together always increases connection. Actually, too much time together can do the complete opposite! Couples need a healthy amount of distance from each other in order for attraction to thrive.
If you and your partner have been spending more time together than usual since COVID restrictions started, try looking for opportunities to get out of the house. Consider working at a coffee shop or shared work space, go for more walks throughout the day, and plan activities with your friends that fit with your current COVID comfortability level.
Go Back To the Basics
Uncertainty and excitement at the beginning of a new relationship can be powerful accelerators for attraction. If you and your partner have been together for a while, a decrease in attraction might be due to too much comfortability or feeling stagnant in your relationship.
Revisit the things you used to do as a new couple, like going on dates, setting aside time to intentionally spend together, putting away your phone at meals, trying new sex positions, and asking each other thought-provoking questions. These early dating behaviors remind you of what you originally liked about each other and can reignite attraction.
Coping with the Hurt
Hearing from your partner that they are not as attracted to you as they used to be can trigger painful feelings and may even damage your self-esteem. Instead of pushing away these feelings, explore them and get curious about what they need. Perhaps it is to build more confidence in yourself, set boundaries with your partner if they are being overly-critical, or revisit old rejection wounds.
For more information on how to improve attraction in your relationship and cope with related emotions, schedule an appointment with an ELEVATED Life Counseling therapist.
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