Self-Compassion from the Inside Out
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
If you’ve ever been in therapy, you’ve likely heard the term self-compassion. Self-compassion in simple terms means kindness to yourself. It might look like forgiving yourself for your mistakes or going easy on yourself about your imperfections. Often, in an effort to help clients find compassion for themselves, I ask, “What would you say to a friend in your situation?” knowing that we are almost always kinder to others than we are to ourselves. For some, this gentle reminder is enough to change the pattern of harshness, but for those with a long history of self-deprecation, the prospect of treating yourself the way you would treat a loved one might not seem doable.
Nobody is born hating themself. Beginning in childhood, we pick up criticisms and judgments thrown at us by others, and somewhere along the line, we can begin to believe them. For instance, a child who is bullied in school might come to believe that he is inferior to others. If this seed is planted and then watered by similar experiences over time, it can continue to grow, casting a shadow over adulthood experiences, including relationships and career performance.
In order to overcome the insidious pattern of self-criticism, one must first understand the details of what is taking place within. While some might believe that this step is unnecessary, they are likely to realize that simply ignoring, or better yet drowning out this hurtful inner dialogue with a slew of positive affirmations, not only doesn’t work, but might in fact exacerbate the problem. If we truly want to employ self-compassion, we must be willing to take the difficult and sometimes scary journey into the darkest parts of ourselves.
Multiple Parts
Have you ever thought about who exactly is judging you from the inside out? I mean, when you’re alone, replaying a mistake you made over and over again in your head, whose voice is it that’s telling you, “Wow, you really messed up, loser”? You might be thinking, “Well, that’s me, of course!” Is it? Is it all of you, or is it just part of you? I have a feeling that if you listen closely enough, you’ll hear another voice deep down saying, “Come on, that wasn’t that bad. Why am I making such a big deal about this?” or “Man, I am so tired of feeling this way about myself.”
Each and every one of us has a voice inside commonly referred to as the Inner Critic. This is the voice that reminds you of your shortcomings, your failures, and all the things that are wrong with you. We also have an Inner Affirmer that compliments us on things like making a good sandwich or being on time, although it might sometimes team up with the Inner Critic by sarcastically saying things like, “You didn’t blow it for once. What a miracle!”
The idea that we all have different inner voices, or Parts, is nothing new, although it might seem unfamiliar. Think of the last time you saw something you really wanted at a store. Part of you might have really wanted to buy it, while another part might have felt concerned about saving money for upcoming bills. The same is true when it comes to self-criticism. The Inner Critic might be hurling insults at you while another part of you tries to defend you from them. Meanwhile a problem-solving part might be plotting an escape from the Critic by urging you to go to sleep or pour a glass of wine.
Soothing the Inner Critic
Many times when I work with clients, we find that the Inner Critic, although hurtful and disruptive, is actually trying to protect them. Consider for a moment a life with no Inner Critic at all. What would you be doing? I would probably be online shopping or booking an extravagant vacation instead of writing this article! Thank goodness that if I were to do that, my Inner Critic would remind me that I was skipping an important part of my job that I greatly value.
Believe it or not, all of our Parts, including the Inner Critic, hold some sort of valuable information for us. When we shut them out, they grow louder and more frustrated, just like if somebody were talking over you when you had an important point to make. Although it seems contradictory to listen to such a challenging part of yourself, doing so is exactly what will help it calm down and stop being so harsh.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Never did I say that the unkind words of your Inner Critic are okay. Self-compassion isn’t about settling for the pain brought on by the bad behavior of your Parts. Self-compassion does, however, mean hearing them out. Imagine a child throwing a tantrum. While the behavior itself is unacceptable, yelling at the child to shut up will likely only make the problem worse. Taking a deep breath, crouching down so you’re at eye level with him, and asking him what’s wrong with genuine care is far more effective.
Digging Out the Root
Curiosity is key when it comes to self-compassion. It’s easy to dislike your Inner Critic and other difficult parts of yourself. Acknowledge any troubling emotions you have towards your Critic, and then ask them to step out of the way so you can get to know the Critic better. Ask your Critic the same questions you would ask that child in pain. Why is it so angry? If it wants you to stop doing something, ask why. What will happen if you keep doing it? Why are you doing that thing in the first place? How is it serving you? Keep digging. Stay curious.
The more you get to know your critic, the more compassion you will develop for it, and the more it will soften up. Have you ever seen a movie with a villain, and then the movie shows what turned the villain evil in the first place? How do you feel after you learn the whole story? If you’re anything like me, you end up feeling sorry for the bad guy, and you begin to hope for an ending to the story in which he too can be healed. This is what happens when we get to know the challenging parts of ourselves. We no longer need to shower them with positivity meant to silence them, nor do we need to angrily ignore them. We get to know them for who they really are, and as a result, we can give them what they really need.
Understanding difficult Parts can be hard, confusing work. Often, in the beginning, parts can seem tangled and indiscernible from one another. Talking to a counselor can be extremely helpful when it comes to sorting these Parts out and untangling their backgrounds. If you’re interested in embarking on the journey of self-compassion and discovery. Reach out today by emailing admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com.