What's Your Type of Desire?
You’re sitting there watching a movie when all of a sudden the people on screen fly into a passionate love scene. You watch as they go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. Maybe you shift uncomfortably, maybe you watch, enamored, or maybe you think to yourself..."This doesn’t happen in my relationship anymore. Is there something wrong with me?"
These kinds of scenes are everywhere in Hollywood. It seems like out of nowhere people are going from not having sex to BOOM, there they go! Suddenly, they are overcome with a passion and fervor that everyone hopes to have in a relationship.
So is there something wrong with you or your relationship if it’s not like that? Short answer, no…but let’s take a look.
One of the biggest myths out there is that desire happens spontaneously and without work. There are a few reasons behind this myth. The main reason is that since many men experience desire seemingly spontaneously, then that means everyone does (this is a myth that deserves its own blog post...which I will write some day). The second reason points to America’s history with the Puritans. Because we come from a Puritanical background we prefer to believe that people get swept up in the moment of passion rather than own the fact that we have sexual desire and can do the work to satisfy it.
In reality, there are two types of desire. Yes, spontaneous is one of them, but there is also responsive desire.
Spontaneous desire is the feeling one gets when he/she/they want to have sex for no apparent reason; it may be a thought or a physical sensation that just occurs. Responsive desire is wanting to have sex after experiencing a certain trigger, cue, or stimulus.
An easy way to differentiate it is to think about a time when you woke up and had a craving for a certain kind of food (spontaneous) versus a time when you walk by a restaurant and see people dining, get a whiff of the smell, hear the silverware clinking against the plate, and then get the feeling that you gotta have that food (responsive).
People often confuse the beginnings of relationships with this concept, believing that in the honeymoon period it’s all spontaneous desire. Yes, that might have been true some of the time. However, think about the things that lead up to the point of those sexual experiences. You set the date, looked forward to it, showered, got ready, did your hair (and makeup if applicable), met for dinner and as you stared into your date’s eyes in the dimly-lit restaurant… you see where this is going. I would argue that all of these things created a trigger to then feel intense desire.
So if you don’t have moments where you want to have sex right here, right now(!) there is nothing wrong with you. You may have responsive desire. And you know who would benefit from knowing you have responsive desire? Your partner!
Let your partner know that “Hey, want to have sex tonight?” isn’t working for you. Tell them that you need cues, triggers, stimuli to get your engine purring! Think about things that turn you on that both include your partner (cuddling, making out, romantic dinners, sensual massage) and without your partner (creating sexual fantasies, sexual imagery in a movie, erotic literature). Test this out by scheduling a time in your week where there are no distractions. You and your partner can decide how you want to ease into the moment, knowing that if you don’t feel like it at first, things might change. Notice at what point you get turned on and feel the desire. Noticing is an important step because if it doesn’t happen, then definitely speak up and stop the encounter. But if it does, go for it!
We can blame Hollywood, the patriarchy, and our Puritan history for the one-sided view of desire. It has likely created worry, disappointment, and shame for a lot of people. The next time you see the steamy sex scene in a movie, mentally note that it’s very one-sided and you are not required to hold yourself to that version of sexual desire...however if that steamy sex scene is the trigger for your responsive desire… ;-)