Trusting Your Gut - Can It Really Help You Choose a Partner?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

The disappearance and later discovered death of Gabby Petito along with the speculation that her now missing boyfriend could have been the culprit has caused many to offer this advice: Trust your gut.  If you think something’s off about a person, it probably is.

Usually, we’re not wondering if our partners are potential killers, but rather whether or not they are a good fit for us long-term.  Read on to learn what experts have to say about whether or not trusting your gut feeling is an effective way to make decisions.

Your “Second Brain”

Most people are aware of brain chemicals such as dopamine (the reward chemical) and serotonin (the happy chemical).  What you may not know is that 95% of your body’s serotonin and over 50% of its dopamine are actually created in your gut.  Neural connections between your brain and your gut are incredibly strong, causing some researchers to refer to the gut as “the second brain.”  Gut intuition is more than just a mystical feeling.  It’s a scientifically backed phenomenon that can have a serious impact on your mood and decision making process.

Faster Than Your Conscious Mind

Several studies have been conducted on the accuracy of gut feelings.  In one, participants were asked to identify their own voices while listening to recordings themselves and others.  While the subjects struggled to pick out the recordings of their own voices, devices hooked up to their hands measured increases in perspiration when their own voices played.  The conclusion drawn from this study was that while the mind may be slow to recognize information, our bodies are able to respond much faster.

Decision Complexity

A different study revealed that when it came to making complex decisions, such as buying a house, participants were more satisfied with their choices when they made them intuitively as opposed to after extensive analysis.  The act of making a choice based on a gut feeling came to be known as “deliberation without attention.”  Researchers determined that this is because when the decision is more complex, you’re likely to only consider a subset of relevant factors, weighing the importance of each factor incorrectly.

Intuition Isn’t Everything

None of this is to say that careful thought and consideration aren’t important.  Analysis is crucial in certain situations, such as when running a business.  It’s also important to ask yourself whether or not the person you’re dating shares the same values as you, desires the same type of lifestyle, and has qualities that would make them a good future partner and/or parent.  These factors need to be taken into account, even if you’re head over heels in love and you feel nothing but the warm fuzzies when you’re around them.

Look for Patterns

Intuition is formed by your past experiences.  Negative gut feelings often come from your body’s recognition of threats you’ve experienced in the past.  It’s what helped our ancestors determine friend or foe.  If you saw several friends attacked by bears in the past, you’d probably run from any big furry animal in the woods, even if you couldn’t identify it.

If you’re sensing a negative gut reaction to your partner or the idea of a relationship with someone, ask yourself if it’s potentially due to an unhealthy pattern in the past.  Does this person do some of the same things a toxic ex used to do?  Are they in a similar situation job-wise as a past partner who couldn’t provide?  Are they showing warning signs of abuse you’ve read about before?  Ask yourself what may be going on that’s contributing to your sense of unease, and try to explore possibilities with as much self-honesty as possible.

Better Safe Than Sorry

If you’re in a relationship that continuously feels off but you’re not sure why, remember the research above.  It’s possible that your unconscious mind is picking up on something you haven’t consciously realized yet.  If you can’t shake the feeling, skip the trouble of trying to reassure yourself.  Chances are, your gut knows something you don’t.  Look for someone who brings you a sense of ease and security instead.  If there’s anything recent news has taught us, it’s that it’s better safe than sorry.