Tips to Effectively Manage Avoidance
You’re sitting in your living room watching yet another episode of The Office. You’ve seen it a million times, at least. In the back of your mind you’re aware of that nagging thought. You ignore it and go back to Jim’s latest prank on Dwight. The thought pops up again. You ignore it. It pops up again. You ignore it. It pops again and this time you’re even aware that by ignoring it you’re only making it worse than actually attending to it. And yet, you ignore it.
You’ve found yourself suspended in avoidance. But the worst kind of avoidance - one foot in awareness that you are avoiding and the other foot in the commitment to continuing to avoid. You’re not even enjoying the procrastination, but you keep on doing it.
Avoidance is one of the most common issues I have seen as a therapist. People tend to avoid tasks from simple chores to the complexity of attending to bills and bank statements. Some neglect attending to certain relationships with friends or family. Other people may avoid places or experiences even when it’s ineffective like skipping work or that one crucial networking event. It is even a common experience for some to wish to escape the simple act of just being still.
What avoidance boils down to is an aversion to uncomfortable emotions that the target of the avoidance brings up.
People avoid in all types of ways. They may numb through excessive alcohol use, video games, or media. They may over commit themselves with a busy schedule, or just flat-out procrastinate.
Why do we do this, especially when we hit that critical moment of being aware that avoidance isn’t feeling good anymore? Why do we still commit ourselves to avoidance? Sometimes we are so conditioned to engage in this response that it’s extremely hard to break the cycle. Other times we may fear the emotions that come up so much with whatever we are avoiding that we opt for the unpleasantness of knowing we are not doing what we “should” be doing.
Believe it or not, there is a way out. You can learn to turn off The Office and stop ignoring things in your life. Check out some of the strategies that may help:
Eat the Frog
Mark Twain wrote that if you start your day by eating a frog you can be assured that everything else in your day won’t be quite as unpleasant. Essentially, this is saying do the thing that you least want to do first. Get it out of the way. It’s amazing what a relief it is, which might make it that much more reinforcing to do it again tomorrow. Speaking of reinforcement….
Set up a reward system
Whether it’s the simplest of tasks or something you’ve been avoiding for weeks it can be helpful to have a reward at the end of it. The key with using a reward system, though, is that it has to truly be something you’ll work to get. Because we live in a society of instant gratification it can actually be difficult to think about something that would serve as a reward great enough to get us moving. I often encourage clients to think of something so indulgent they usually don’t allow themselves that thing. You have to go further than a mani-pedi, especially if you know every Tuesday you are scheduled at the nail salon. Don’t give yourself something you would naturally give yourself anyway. Think big!
Check in with your values
It’s okay if we simply just don’t want to do something. However, sometimes there are things that are worth willing ourselves to do. Usually those things are aspects of our lives that create meaning and fulfillment, they are the things we value most. Remembering that you value an abundant career may make you more willing to attend that networking event, despite the social anxiety that creeps up. Calling to mind that cultivating deeper friendships or family relationships brings meaning to your life may make it easier to finally pick up the phone. Check out how what you typically avoid may fall into your set of values.
If you’re going to avoid, at least do it skillfully
And if at the end of the day you still haven’t balanced your checkbook (does anyone still do that?) and you reach for the remote for one last episode before you go to bed, know that you don’t have to shame yourself or be critical of yourself. Know that shame and self-judgment rarely lead to long term change. The reality is, many people procrastinate, put off, and avoid the unpleasant things in life. You’re not alone! If you’re going to do it, at least be fully present in what you are doing to avoid it. Enjoy that episode you’ve seen a dozen times, find that one thing that makes social media more interesting this time around, get captivated in whatever you’re doing, knowing that you will likely have to attend to the thing you are putting off at some point.