Is There Really Such a Thing as Spending "Too Much" Time Together?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“Love recognizes no barriers.”

-Maya Angelou

If you’ve ever called in sick, travelled across the country, or driven further over the speed limit than you’d like to admit in order to spend more time with your partner, then you know exactly how true this is.

When you’re in love, it can feel like all the time in the world with your partner is never enough.

It’s easy to lose track of how many nights in a row you slept at your partner’s or when the last time you called your best friend was.  Time together just feels so...good.

Spending quality time with your partner is incredibly important.  Missing each other when you’re apart is normal and often healthy.  Thinking about setting boundaries around the amount of time you spend together may sound like a total buzzkill, so why would you?

Boundaries around the time you spend with your partner can have relationship benefits such as increased attraction to one another and more enjoyment of your time together.

Spending too much time together can harm your relationship in the following ways:

Your Friends Stop Inviting You To Things

If you’re dating or married, you’re likely spending less time with your friends than you were when you were single.  However, if you’ve turned down so many invitations that your friends no longer ask you to hang out, there’s a good chance you’ve been spending too much time with your partner.  Having friends outside of your romantic partner is an important ingredient for good mental health.  Make sure you are spending time with them regularly.

You Get Irritable

Often, spending too much time with your partner results in annoyance with each other.  If your partner’s chewing is getting on your nerves or neutral things they do are starting to bother you, you probably need a break.

Your To-Do List Starts Getting Backed Up

Going on dates and sleeping in together requires sacrificing time you could be spending on other things.  An overflowing laundry basket or growing list of unanswered emails may be signs that you’ve been neglecting duties outside of your relationship.  Letting things pile up can create resentment for your partner.  Making sure you’re on top of your responsibilities can lower your anxiety and help you be more present when you’re together.

You Get Bored

Relationship expert and New York Times bestselling author, Esther Perel, writes “It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned [their] sense of autonomy.”  

Getting to know another person in all of their uniqueness is what makes relationships so exciting.  If you and your partner give up your hobbies and interests or spend almost all of your free time together, you lose the qualities that made you attractive to each other in the first place.

There’s a bonus, too: Perel explains that not only does some space between you and your partner make you more interesting to each other, it also makes you more attracted to one another.  Part of what makes the beginning of relationships so exciting is the element of mystery.  Time apart creates healthy levels of mystery in relationships, as well as increased intimacy when the two of you reconnect.

Setting boundaries around how much time you and your partner spend together doesn’t sound sexy.  Nevertheless, time apart can improve multiple facets of your relationship.  Consider planning time away from your partner as a short-term sacrifice in exchange for long-term benefits.