Helpful Texting Boundaries That Can Benefit Any New Relationship

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Few things in the early stages of a new relationship cause more anxiety than texting.  Most Millennials and Gen Z-ers are all too familiar with questions like, “When should I text them back?” “Am I overdoing it?” “Should I wait to respond because they took forever?” “How many emojis is too many?”

Communication between two people is always complex.  Unfortunately, there is no rulebook to tell you exactly how and when to respond to your crush.  There are, however, several guiding principles that can help you keep your texting conversations healthy and effective early on in relationships.  Read on to learn these helpful tips.

Don’t Play Games

If your romantic interest takes several hours to respond to one of your texts, you may be tempted to do the same, even if you saw their text right away.  You may have heard that this is a good idea, but actually, playing mind games, like “hard to get” can feel unnatural, anxiety-provoking, and even manipulative to both you and whoever is on the receiving end of them.  Avoid using calculated schemes to try and make your partner like you more.  The right person will show you they care without you having to use these kinds of tactics.

Save Serious Topics for In-Person

Part of getting to know a new romantic partner is having serious, sometimes difficult conversations about values, past relationships, and more.  Although it may seem easier to discuss these topics behind the safety of a keyboard, doing so can be very risky.  Texting leaves no room for important information gleaned from tone of voice or body language.  Forego the risk of misinterpreting what your partner is saying or being misunderstood, yourself.  As uncomfortable as it may be, have these kinds of conversations face-to-face.

Know Your Intentions

Have you ever sent a text just to see how the other person responds?  Have you ever done the opposite- not sent a text to see how the other person responds?  Oftentimes, we are unaware of our true intentions when we communicate.  Practice paying attention to what you’re really after when you text your partner.  Notice if your goal is to seek validation or test your new partner to see if they’re really interested.  Keep in mind that sending a message with these intentions may lead to unnecessary feelings of rejection if your partner doesn’t respond in the way you’d hoped.

Manage Expectations

Oftentimes, we expect others to communicate the same way we do.  You may be a quick replier while your partner waits until after work to check their phone.  When texting a new person, replace your expectations with curiosity about the other person’s texting style.  Remembering that there is no one “right way” to text will help prevent you from reading too much into the other person’s messages if they don’t exactly match the style of yours.

Normalize Short Texts

You know the old saying, “Less is more?”  This is often the case when it comes to texting a new romantic interest.  Consider texting as a means to make plans and figure out logistics.  Then, save the rest for in-person hangouts, phone conversations, or FaceTime calls.  Not only will this help you get to know each other better, it’ll also ward off the embarrassment caused by sending a long-winded text only to be met with a few words in return.

The uncertainty of a new relationship almost always causes some anxiety.  Following the suggestions above will help keep overthinking to a minimum when getting to know a romantic interest via text.  In summary, texting at this stage is best kept as a means of casual interaction and planning times when you and your partner can really get to know each other by going on dates.