How Important Are Looks, Really, When It Comes To Love?
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
You’ve heard it all before: “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” “Beauty is only skin deep.” “Love is blind.” But you’ve also been bombarded with the opposite: romantic comedies casting near-perfect looking actors, Cinderella winning the heart of the prince while her “ugly stepsisters” pined for him fruitlessly. Advertisements featuring stereotypically attractive partners leaving Kay Jewelers hand in diamond-clad hand.
So what’s the truth? When it comes to love, do looks really matter? Keep reading to learn about some of the latest research on the role appearance plays in relationship satisfaction and how the importance of personality traits compares.
Physical Attraction
One thing is for sure. Unless you identify as asexual, feeling a physical or sexual attraction to your partner is vital. For most people, this is what separates lovers from friends. Of course, compatibility is important, but if the thought of sleeping with the person you’re dating repulses you, moving forward in the relationship likely isn’t a good idea.
If you and your partner are already in a committed relationship or have decided to tie the knot and you notice that what was once a strong physical attraction has faded, this is not an immediate reason to break up. There are many things you can do to reignite attraction. Visit our other blog article, “My Partner Isn’t Attracted To Me Anymore: What Do I Do?” for suggestions.
Possible Gender Differences
Researchers have conducted multiple studies trying to determine whether or not couples made up of partners who are equally as attractive as the other experience higher levels of relationship satisfaction. In each of these studies, partners rated their levels of relationship satisfaction and were also rated by third parties, such as trained undergraduate students, in terms of how attractive they were.
In one study1, no data was found to suggest that partners who are equally attractive experience differences in relationship satisfaction from couples in which one partner is more attractive than the other. However, a different study found that while women’s relationship satisfaction was unaffected by the attractiveness of their partners, men experienced higher levels of satisfaction both immediately after and 4 years after marriage when married to attractive women2.
Biological Factors
It’s easy to scoff at the fact that relationship satisfaction may be impacted by the attractiveness of one’s partner, but if such findings are true, they may be more biological than superficial. Evolutionarily speaking, physical attractiveness was linked to survival. Stronger, physically fit men were better able to hunt and defend their families from predators. Women with hips wider than their waists were seen as more fertile. Brighter skin and clearer eyes were signs of nourishment. All of these factors were far more important before modern developments, but generations of evolutionary conditioning are not easily undone. Old neuropathways die hard.
When Looks Don’t Matter
Given the importance of physical attraction in romantic relationships, biological biases, and some research that looks and relationship satisfaction are intertwined, it’s difficult to ignore the reality that looks, to a certain extent, do play a role in love. That is not to say that they are the most, or anywhere near the most important factor.
Research indicates that when a person is perceived as physically attractive, he or she is also immediately presumed to have positive personality traits3. This stereotype is likely due to media depictions of physically attractive people being heroes or other kinds of loveable characters. Of course, with enough life experience, we can determine that one’s outward appearance is not always a reflection of their personality.
The most beautiful person in the world could be the cruelest. Somebody who may be the furthest thing from what society would deem attractive could have the most beautiful heart. Therefore, judging a person based on looks alone when determining whether or not to date them is risky and unwise.
What Really Matters?
One theory of personality summarizes personality characteristics into five categories, called the Big Five. These five categories include neuroticism (anxiety or emotional instability), conscientiousness (responsibility and persistence), agreeableness (empathy and ease of getting along with others), openness (willingness to experience new things or see new points of view), and extroversion (assertiveness and sociability).
Research indicates that if you want to have a satisfying relationship, choosing a partner who is highly agreeable, conscientious, extraverted, and emotionally stable is your best bet. These traits are most associated with enduring relationship and sexual satisfaction, while neuroticism is inversely correlated with happy relationships.
In regard to looks, it is ultimately important to find someone to whom you find physically attractive enough. Does this person have to be magazine cover material? No. Does everybody have to find them attractive? No. But as long as they have the values you’re looking for, the personality traits mentioned above, and are attractive enough for you to enjoy sexual and romantic connection with them, the two of you should be good to go.
Related Articles:
The Mindset Shift That Could Permanently Improve Your Relationship Satisfaction
Set Your Sex Life on Fire: The Difference Between Sexual Intercourse and Sensual Intercourse
3 Signs You and Your Partner Have Chemistry and Why It Matters
Hunt, L. L., Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2015). Leveling the playing field: Longer acquaintance predicts reduced assortative mating on attractiveness. Psychological Science, 26(7), 1046-1053.
Meltzer, A. L., McNulty, J. K., Jackson, G. L., & Karney, B. R. (2014). Sex differences in the implications of partner physical attractiveness for the trajectory of marital satisfaction. Journal of personality and social psychology, 106(3), 418.
Ćurković K., Franc R. (2010). Physical attractiveness stereotype 'Beautiful is Good' in the context of the Big Five personality theory. Psihologijske Teme, 19(1), 123–144.