The Skill You Need To Start Getting What You Want
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Whether you are in a relationship, married, or single with most of your relationships being with friends, family, or coworkers, you’ve probably noticed how often other people do things that bother you. Maybe you really hate when someone speaks to you in a condescending tone of voice or when people are late. Or maybe it’s your partner never taking out the trash that’s been boiling your blood lately.
No matter what the specifics are, life would be a whole lot easier if other people would just do what you want them to do, right? Well, maybe they can.
Assertiveness is a skill you can develop in order to get more of what you want and less of what you don’t out of other people. Now, I’m not talking about manipulating people into giving you thousands of dollars or doing all of your household chores. Assertiveness can be used to make reasonable requests that benefit your relationships, goals, and mental health, as well as those of the people you use the skill with.
For example, imagine a situation in which your boss asks you to pick up the extra work of an employee who recently quit. You may say yes in order to be helpful, but what if your boss never ends up hiring anybody else? What if they later asks you to take on the duties of yet another employee who quits?
You have several choices here. One, you could choose to passively accept your boss’s request, even if you know working the extra hours will take away from your other priorities. Two, you could be aggressive and say something like, “You really think you can just take advantage of me like that? Who do you think you are!?” Three, you could be passive aggressive by doing the extra work but intentionally doing it poorly in order to spite your boss.
The fourth and best option is to be assertive. Here’s how:
Choose an appropriate time to have a conversation
Like, not on Friday at 4:55pm in the office parking lot. Make sure you and whoever you are talking to have ample time for a discussion. For best results, plan for a time when both of you are likely to be calm and undistracted.
Make Eye Contact
Nonverbal communication is just as important, if not more important, than what you say. As you’re talking to your boss (or whoever else), resist the urge to let your eyes wander around the room out of discomfort. Making eye contact will convey to the other person that you are serious about what you are saying.
Speak in a Calm, Confident Voice
Just like you want to prevent your eyes from wandering, you also want to avoid speaking quietly, trailing off, or saying things like, “Um,” “I guess,” or anything else you may typically say in order to seem less difficult. When practicing assertive communication, it’s important that you come off as meaning what you are saying, not unsure and wavering in your request.
Describe the Situation You Wish To Change
For this step, your goal is to stick only to the facts. For example, when talking to an overly-demanding boss, stating the facts may sound like, “You have asked me to pick up two former employees’ workloads, and nobody has been hired to replace them. I’ve worked 70 hours per week for the past two months.” Resist the urge to add in any opinions or interpretations at this stage, as doing so may cause the other person to become defensive.
Express Your Emotions
After describing the facts, name the emotions arising for you in this particular situation. You may say, “I feel exhausted by doing 3 jobs at once.” Notice the wording of this statement. It does not say, “You make me feel…[fill in the blank].” Rather, it describes your emotional response to the facts stated above using an “I” statement. This, again, is a strategy to avoid the other person becoming defensive or feeling like you are blaming them for your emotions.
State What You Need
This is the part where you tell the other person what you want. Make sure you take time to think beforehand. Be specific in defining what, exactly, needs to change in order for the problem to improve. In this case, you may say, “In order for me to complete quality work, I’m only going to be able to do my own job from now on.” Point out how your solution benefits the other person. In this case, your boss may be more likely to agree to your idea after hearing it will improve the quality of your work.
Negotiate
Negotiation is a useful skill when it comes to any conflict. Imagine in this situation that your boss pushes back on your idea, stating the other work you’ve been doing simply must get done. Perhaps you could offer to take on a few of the most important tasks the former employees used to do. Maybe you could even offer to assist your boss in the process of hiring replacement employees. Be flexible and open to ideas as you negotiate, and avoid letting pride get in the way of accepting someone else’s useful suggestions.
Assertiveness is one of the most important skills you can possess in a relationship. Regardless of how close you are with your friends, coworkers, family, or partner, conflicts are bound to arise. Keep in mind that confrontation does not have to be explosive, and it is not a sign of weakness or failure in your relationships. Rather, healthy, assertive communication can help you get the most out of your relationships and resolve conflicts in a way that makes all parties happy and even closer than before.
Related Articles:
How To Set Boundaries with Difficult Family Members
I’ll Show You: Unpacking the Urge To Get Even in Relationships