Finding Space While You Shelter in Place

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

While it’s obvious that quarantine has been an isolating experience, those who live with others, whether in a friendship, romantic, or familial capacity, might be struggling with exactly the opposite- not enough alone time.  Under normal circumstances, most of us have some degree of time to ourselves, whether during our commutes, in the office cubicle, or even during shopping trips. Now, however, these opportunities have been severely limited, if not completely erased.

At the beginning of quarantine, it might have been easy to think about the benefits of spending more time with the people we love.  Many joked about the possibility of a baby boom following all the sex couples would be having while at home. Others tried to stay positive by looking forward to more time spent with roommates, kids, or live-in family members.

We Chicagoans are about a month into mandated social distancing, and there is no denying that while more time together might be great, it can also be incredibly difficult.  If you’re feeling like the honeymoon stage of quarantine is over, and you’re beginning to feel more irritable, less passionate, and just plain sick and tired of the ones you once looked forward to hunkering down with, fear not.  This doesn’t mean you’re mean, ungrateful, or that your relationship is broken. It means you’re human.

All humans are social creatures.  We have a biological need for connection to others.  We also have the need for differentiation, or the ability to have our own hobbies, interests, goals, and space.  When the balance of togetherness and autonomy is thrown off, we can experience the intense desire for whichever one is lacking.  For instance, after spending an extended amount of time with a romantic partner, you might begin to crave time alone and notice growing frustration with things about him or her that never used to bother you before.

Instead of chastising yourself for feeling this way, take these emotions as your body’s way of telling you what it needs.  It might be time to set boundaries and intentionally structure your days at home. Consider setting aside a few hours each day away from the people you live with.  This could look like working in separate rooms or sending the kids to play in the backyard. Remember feelings of closeness, whether familial love or romantic lust, grow when we allow ourselves room to miss each other a bit.

Spending intentional time together can also be beneficial.  Planning dinners as a family or popcorn and movie nights allows members of the household to appreciate time spent together while knowing they can go their separate ways before and afterwards.

It is crucial to remember that everybody is different.  What one person considers too much time with a loved one might not feel like enough to the other.  Using healthy discussion skills, such as refraining from raising your voice, owning your feelings instead of blaming them on somebody else, and clearly stating your wants and needs can help you decide on an appropriate amount of time to spend together and apart.  

Lastly, practice empathy by remembering that everybody is struggling differently during this time.  Communicate daily about your own feelings and experiences, and be willing to actively listen to those of the people you live with.  Take your quarantine buddies’ needs into consideration and be willing to negotiate a plan that works for everyone.