Cheating and Forgiveness
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
Cheating can hurt. It can be devastating to everyone involved - the partner that was cheated on, the
cheater and the relationship. When many couples enter a new relationship, they do so with the mutual understanding of fidelity and respect. When that fidelity turns into infidelity, things can get tough.
Lots of people assume that cheating ultimately means that a relationship is over, but that’s not always the case.
So, how do we approach learning how to forgive someone after cheating? To some, this form of infidelity is the ultimate form of disrespect and many individuals cannot get past it - and that’s okay. But, some want to make an effort to put the work in to attempt to salvage their relationship. For this, it’s important that both partners are committed to healing and the possibility of a reconciliation. Just remember that relationships are different and everyone deserves to make their own informed decision about how to move forward.
FORGIVENESS + TRUST
It’s 100% normal and acceptable to experience mixed feelings after being cheated on. You might be angry, betrayed, sad, devastated; which in turn, can make it harder to forgive a partner.
Working through these feelings and trying to let go of anger and resentment are great steps in your journey to forgiving a cheating partner. If these feelings aren’t processed correctly, it can actually be harder to heal yourself. It can be a struggle to heal when you’re consumed by the pain and anger caused by infidelity.
Building trust takes time in a new relationship - so does rebuilding trust after a partner cheats. Oftentimes, forgiving a cheating partner means that you might have the capacity and willingness to do so, but trusting your partner might take some time (or it might not ever happen, and that’s also normal).
Trust and forgiveness are in fact two separate occurrences. You can forgive, but that doesn’t automatically mean that trust is present. Forgiveness might seem like the easy way out at times, but try not to rush this process. It can cause pain and even more distance between both partners.
Forgiveness can help a partner find relief from the pain of being cheated on and trust can help a forgiven partner find a sense of release from the guilt of their infidelity. Try to be open to yourself and each other. This can help uncover any underlying issues/problems in a relationship.
This recovery can be a complicated process and it takes both partners willing to rebuild the relationship to build this trust again.
SELF-WORTH
Cheating can also harm a partner’s self-worth, causing the recipient to doubt themselves or think that something they did wrong drove their partner to cheat. In reality, there can be many reasons why people engage in cheating and oftentimes the act of it has nothing to do with you. The opportunity might have been right. Alcohol might have been involved or the partner wasn’t invested in the relationship as much as their counterpart.
When we don’t process feelings properly after an instance of infidelity, a betrayed partner can sometimes experience the same or similar symptoms as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Symptoms can include unstable emotional regulation, going back and forth between feeling numb and feeling anger, repeated intrusive thoughts and feeling broken (to name a few). This same trauma might even uncover or trigger unresolved damage from the past, complicating the healing process even more.
It is possible to feel whole again! You are not alone and are still the same amazing human that you were before your partner cheated. Try to understand that it had nothing to do with YOU. Work hard to rebuild your confidence and try thinking constructively to squash negative self-thoughts by turning things you’d like to change into goals.
A CHEATER’S ROLE
It’s natural that a person who cheats can expect their partner to be unhappy or deeply upset after the incident. If you decide to try and rebuild your relationship - being transparent with your partner and reassuring them that nothing negative is going on behind their back might be commonplace for quite some time.
To help with the healing, the cheating partner needs to try and put aside the actions and feelings that caused them to stray in the first place - understanding the act of betrayal itself. What drove them to the affair? Was the relationship lacking an emotional or physical connection? Is there an underlying issue that caused this behavior?
If the cheater can make an effort to fully commit to work through their significant others’ frustration, pain or even retaliation AND own up to their own actions, it can be possible to rebuild trust and the relationship. This needs to be treated as an important life event. It can hurt, but the outcome can help one grow.
HEALING AFTER CHEATING
Couples might be able to address and work through these issues on their own to forgive - and that’s great! For others, this complicated process might need a little bit of help - and that’s great, too!
Therapy can help both partners in a cheating relationship repair lost trust and forgive one another. Oftentimes, through counseling, couples can uncover the root of the breakdown of the relationship and realize how strong their love and bond truly is - and that their relationship is worth saving. On the contrary, even if a couple wants to make things work after a partner cheats, it might not be fixable - but that doesn’t mean that you didn’t give it a try. Different people can tolerate different things. Cheating might be limited to one occurrence or it might have happened multiple times. This all matters when it comes to the healing process.
If you are conflicted about your partner that cheated, your relationship, yourself - or all of the above - it might be time to talk to a therapist who can help guide you (individually or as a couple) through the healing and recovery process of cheating and forgiveness.
The outcome might surprise you! Valuable lessons can be learned from the past that help you communicate effectively and honestly with your partner more than ever before!