Toxic Masculinity Part II
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
Despite how far we’ve come in breaking down male gender norms over the last few decades, men are often expected to act tough and aggressive, never lose, show no emotion or not do anything that could be considered weak - in order to be “masculine”. Because of this, many men struggle to define their masculinity and themselves as men in a culture that can stigmatize things like sexuality, aggressiveness or dominance.
In February, we tackled Toxic Masculinity in our current culture and shared tips on reframing masculinity in a healthier way. In part II of this series, we’re shining light on the difficulties that women have holding space for men that don’t quite fit society’s picture of masculinity.
In reality, there is no right or wrong way to be a man. There is no right or wrong way to be a woman. Yet, ideas of masculinity continue to be restrictive, placing pressure on men of all ages to bury their feminine qualities - both physically and emotionally.
So, why are some men more feminine than others? It could be their upbringing, kind nature or even just a passion for self-care and grooming. There are also many women and men that are comfortable dating a man who has feminine traits that he is proud of - like empathy and sensitivity.
We’ve all heard the saying, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” So, how can women be more accepting of boys and men that don’t exhibit the epitome of what our society deems masculine?
CHALLENGING MYTHS
Did you know that we all have masculine and feminine energy?! We need to remember that being sensitive or caring is not exclusive to one sex. Men can be kind and also tough - just like women! A strong man is someone who is conscious of all of his actions - including feminine energy.
We are born into society and often inherit the belief systems of those around us. These systems - both behavioral and psychological - need to be confronted and addressed - especially if we want to unlearn some of these societal norms / myths.
Challenging beliefs can be hard, especially if you don’t notice what you’re doing in the first place. You might feel threatened or vulnerable and that’s OK! Noticing a false belief is the first step in unlearning it through conscious effort and participation with those around you.
Try deconstructing common myths surrounding feminine and masculine energy. Why do you think that? What work is needed to change these beliefs? Try being around people that challenge you! What can you learn from men that have a well-developed feminine side? Or on the contrary, what can you learn from women that exhibit masculine qualities?
POSITIVE MASCULINE ENERGY
This right here! Positive masculine energy can be associated with strength, stability, purpose, achievement and power (the list goes on). Try thinking about masculinity in a new way that includes everything that COULD BE A STRENGTH. Not just being tall or having big muscles.
If we are able to redefine the limits of our own desires to encompass more qualities - we might start to understand that a man can still be desirable if they lack the qualities of a physically or mentally strong person.
Instead, these combined strengths and energies can create something special and unique.
INTEGRATION
A study from 2015 showed that when male leaders asked for help, they were viewed as less competent, capable and confident in the workplace. This perceived “weakness” can in turn give the perception of a lower status. But, when females approached a similar situation, the opposite was perceived. Because of this, men often associate seeking help with a fear of being judged or appearing weak to society. This is not the case!
Masculine energy is associated with stability and reliability, while feminine energy is often the energy of change and transformation. Why can't we have both?
If we want to be more accepting of feminine traits and energy, we can start by inviting and finding ways to incorporate a balance of both feminine and masculine energy into various life situations (the workplace, social encounters, political arenas). This integration can be powerful, helping us learn about our own strengths and weaknesses, and how others can help fill in those voids.
As a society, we need to make an effort to teach others to value their authentic and genuine experience of themselves. You can still be a man and be feminine, and it’s up to all of us to work towards making this idea the norm in our society.