What I Learned From a Week of Listening
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Growing up, I never thought of myself as racist. In fact, I thought of myself as fundamentally not-racist. The neighborhoods I lived in were always somewhat diverse, and my mom, my sister, and I all have friends of color. I have black cousins and Chinese cousins. My parents raised me with good values. “Never judge anybody by the color of their skin,” they said.
I thought I knew what racism was. I’ve heard people say horrible things about different groups of people. Plenty of times, I’ve stood up against their hateful words, believing that because I didn’t hold their same beliefs, I was one of the good guys. It’s easy not to think too much about something when you think you already have it down.
The unjust killings of black people in America have always troubled me, but when I saw the video of George Floyd’s death, it hit me differently. Something inside me woke up, and I realized that if I want to see change, then I need to be an active participant in bringing it about. Sitting back and being nice to everybody was never enough.
It’s in my nature to fight for people. I’m a counselor. I help. I tell people how to fix problems. However, right now, that is not my job. Instead, my duty is to practice the most important skill a person in my field can possess. I need to listen, specifically to voices that have been silenced for far too long. Then, I have to share what I learn, not with the people most affected by racism, for they already know, but with those who are the same as I was - well-intentioned and dangerously unaware.
This is what I learned this week:
1) Slavery Was Only Six Generations Ago
When I learned about slavery for the first time in elementary school, it felt so far away. The possibility that people could be treated in such a way felt unreal to me, like it was something that happened in ancient times. It wasn’t until this week that I realized 1865, the year slavery was outlawed, was only six generations ago. The Ku Klux Klan was considered a legitimate and strong political influence in 1925, just four generations ago. Segregation ended two generations ago, and if your parents were born before 1967, they lived during a time when interracial marriage was still prohibited in certain states. In 2014, a study from the University of Michigan1 revealed that black people are sentenced to 10% longer sentences than white people who committed the same crimes with similar criminal histories. When looking at history through this lens, it becomes clear that if we believe systemic racism is a thing of the past, we are kidding ourselves.
2) Intergenerational Trauma
The effects of trauma can be passed down through generations by genetics, modeled behavior, and the retelling of sad stories. Intergenerational trauma can manifest as a variety of mental health issues that impact relationships and families.
For instance, imagine that your grandmother grew up being told she wasn’t allowed to eat in the same restaurants as people who looked different from her. Imagine she was told every day she was dirty, ugly, and inferior. How would that affect her mental health? How would that affect the way she raised your mother?
Now imagine your mother grew up in a household where her parents, although they loved each other, were not allowed to get married. Your grandmother was told by the government that she wasn’t good enough to marry your mother’s father. Their relationship was called disgusting and unnatural. How would your mother see herself as their daughter? What would her own relationships be like?
Finally, imagine yourself. Imagine growing up with a mother who was depressed, believing that her own existence was wrong. How would that impact your childhood? Your mental health? Your family dynamics?
Intergenerational trauma is insidious and often goes undetected due to the belief that trauma only occurs when people experience something like war or physical abuse. Racism is traumatic, and if we want to understand the world we live in, we must acknowledge that its effects are real and present in the people of color around us every day. Also, we must recognize the intergenerational transmission of beliefs in white culture. What were we taught about people of color from our own families and environments, even in the most subtle ways?
3) There Is a Difference Between Color and Culture
I came across an article by Greg Armstrong, pastor at Renew Church in Lombard, Illinois2. In the article, Armstrong recalls his experiences as a black man attending majority white churches. He states that while most white church goers were okay with the color of his skin, he quickly realized that he was only truly accepted when he assimilated and acted according to their cultural norms.
We say we don’t have a problem with black people, but do we have a problem with blackness? I have heard statements like, “I like people of all races, I just don’t like people who act _______.” Fill in the blank. Every culture in the world, whether defined by race, location, religion, or gender identity, has its own set of cultural norms and behaviors. What kinds of judgments do we have about black culture? Do we even know what it is? These questions might feel jarring, but if we truly want to reject racism, we must begin to ask them.
Sitting with Discomfort
Learning what I learned this week was uncomfortable for me. Writing this article was extremely uncomfortable for me. The entire time, I questioned whether I was coming off “too preachy”, insensitive, discriminatory, or like a know-it-all. These conversations are certainly not easy to have. What I’ve learned during this time, though, is that we cannot allow ourselves the luxury of being comfortable when those most closely affected by racism have never had that same privilege.
I am not an expert on race, and because I do not experience racism first hand, I will never know everything there is to know about it. You don’t have to be an expert either to make a difference, but what we all must do is take a stand by uncomfortably acknowledging that there is no such thing as “not-racist”. We need to look at the painful facts about our country and understand why neutrality is not possible. Then, we need to pick a side: racist or anti-racist. This week, I chose my side. Which do you choose? What are you going to do about it?