Online Dating and Anxiety
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
Technology has changed how we connect with others – and that includes how we might find love. Tinder, Hinge, OKCupid, Bumble, Her. The list goes on and on.
To some, this is a great thing! Dating apps give us the opportunity to connect with people locally and all over the world! They can provide the chance to interact with someone that you might not have ever had the opportunity to connect with in your day-to-day life. They can also give us a jolt of confidence that we might not normally have had in a real-life first encounter.
Some people might be seeking some fun with a casual, sexual experience. On the other hand, some individuals go into online dating with intentions to start a relationship that could end with a life partner. We’ve all heard fairy tale stories of online dating that end in finding that special someone; but, we’ve also heard horror stories about catfishing, lies and manipulation. The unknown can be scary and that’s ok.
Online dating and social media can be tough to navigate. Naturally, both can bring about fear and suspicion that the person you are chatting with might not be who they say they are. This can create feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, depression and fear of the unknown. Once someone is emotionally-invested, these experiences (even if not in-person) can lead some of us to question our future decision making capabilities, causing trust issues and even emotional/psychological damage.
If you’ve seen Netflix’s Tinder Swindler, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The documentary introduces us to an alleged master con artist, who emotionally, promised the world to his connections he met on Tinder – lavish apartments, vacations around the globe in private jets and the dream of starting a family together. He shared intimate stories, videos, phone calls and messages, giving his online prospects a glimpse into the life of someone that didn’t really exist.
Like many people who get catfished or scammed via online dating, these women truly believed that the Tinder Swindler was a great guy. He took the time to build the trust and love that many people are searching for with a partner. But, after that, he used fear and manipulation to control them, causing many of them lasting financial and emotional abuse.
Stories like this can make many people anxious about online dating, and rightfully so.
For those already experiencing depression or anxiety, online dating might make these symptoms worse. Those seeking validation in a relationship can be more vulnerable to rejection. According to a recent study from the University of North Texas, Tinder users actually experience more mental health problems than non-users.
So, how do you overcome the fear of getting rejected or the fear of the unknown when it comes to online dating?
Try starting the process of online dating with the right mindset.
Worried that people are going to judge you – don’t! Online dating has become a mainstream way of meeting potential partners. You’re in good company with the other 44 million online dating users in the US.
Scared of rejection? This is a real and sometimes, unavoidable. Accepting the fact that you might not be compatible with your online dating match (yes, that is ok), is sometimes all that you need to cope with this fear. It doesn’t mean you are flawed, rather a mismatch with a potential partner. Facing these fears can actually be empowering!
Horror stories like the Tinder Swindler can be scary. That doesn’t mean that everyone out there is a bad apple. Anxious to meet your match? Meet in a public space and don’t share too much personal information about yourself. Try to remember that talking online and on the phone is different than meeting IRL. Things take time. Pay attention to the intentions of your match from the get-go. It’s easier to spot red flags if you are mindful from the start.
Make your expectations clear – with yourself. If your goal is to meet someone that you can build a long-term partnership with, don’t get sidetracked by compliments, sex and other “shiny objects”. If you’re looking for just a fling, good for you! Make sure you can handle the emotional consequences of sex.
Open up gradually. Some daters might feel that it's a positive thing to share intimate details about their life right away, as it shows a willingness to be vulnerable and to get closer faster. However, emotionally dumping on someone in the first few dates can actually be the opposite of vulnerability and at times put people more at risk. Instead, try gradually revealing yourself over time. The real vulnerable thing to do is to connect to your emotions as you begin to share the more intimate or painful parts of your life.
A lot of people get nervous before going on a date or starting a new relationship. Just remember, you are in control of how YOU want to date! You are an amazing person and not everyone you date will end in a lifelong connection. Take your time and be honest about expectations. Talk to your friends, family or therapist about your online dating fears and anxieties. If your feelings are affecting your happiness, help is out there if you need it.