BEING VULNERABLE IN BED

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Take a minute, close your eyes, and think about your most memorable, mind-blowing sexual encounter. Were you trying something new outside of your comfort zone? Were you with a partner that captivated you in such a way that you put all insecurities aside? You were raw. You were brave. And you were vulnerable - and it felt amazing! 

Being vulnerable and being able to ask for what you want in bed has come up a lot lately with my clients. 

As humans, we are naturally social. On the contrary, many of us also resist vulnerability - the trait that helps us form close, intimate connections (in and out of the bedroom). Sometimes, we also view being vulnerable as being weak because it can expose us to humiliation or pain that could have been avoided. So, how do we get beyond this and embrace being vulnerable in bed? 

Many of us struggle with vulnerability because we often fail to realize all of the ways that we protect and distance ourselves from others. When we resist vulnerability, we’re actually denying the people close to us the opportunity to fully know us. Just remember, you also have control over who you reveal yourself to based on your level of trust with that person - and that includes intimate moments in bed. 

Here are a few tips to help you embrace being vulnerable together with your partner and asking for what you want. Before you start, make sure to reinforce a no-judgement, no-pressure zone with your partner. 

FANTASY

Both of you write down a fantasy that you have with each other. Try reading it to one another. Or, if you’d rather take a different route (and maybe get your partner in the mood for later), share your fantasy through email or text during the day so you can act it out when you both get home. Encouraging your partner to be vulnerable helps them feel safe and when we make a commitment to it in advance, you can share the same intentions. 

TAKE TURNS

Before you dive right in, discuss your boundaries and what is off limits in bed with your partner. Take turns asking for one thing from each other in bed. Partner A asks to be kissed on the neck - and partner B does just that. Then, partner B asks to be told something dirty, and partner A delivers the sexy message. Remember, when you lead with vulnerability, you’re likely to receive it in return. Be willing to be there with your partner in all that they feel during these intimate moments.

TOP 5

Instead of avoiding sexual vulnerability, imagine the level of empowerment that you can experience if you just acknowledged and accepted that it’s there to be enjoyed! Try this. Each partner creates a list of their top 5 favorite things to do and have done to them in bed. Exchange notes with your partner and see where the experience takes you! 

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Vulnerability can also be an important factor to long-term success in romantic relationships because it’s hard to form a connection while remaining closed off. When we are open to and able to experience intimacy and vulnerability at the same time, we have the opportunity to encounter so many benefits that come along with these close connections.

Remember, that being vulnerable in your relationship takes practice, patience and often time. But, the rewards of a stronger couple connection of feeling valued, heard and understood can be well worth it!