When the Desire Wanes
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
There’s nothing wrong with a relationship that might need a little boost - in the bedroom. Many couples that have been together for a long time find it difficult to have a fulfilling sex life that is just as good as it was at the beginning of the relationship.
Over time, disagreements with your partner might make you avoid sex. Problems at work, with the kids or your health might become so overwhelming that you lose your sex drive. Our bodies and desires evolve over time. You might even feel like you are in the roommate stage vs being part of a team (in and out of the bedroom) with your partner. It’s important that both partners acknowledge the issues at hand, are both willing to put in the effort to bring that spark back and most importantly, are both open to making necessary changes.
Low-sexual desire in a long-term relationship is a common reason many individuals (and couples) seek out professional help from sex therapists like myself and the team at ELC. It’s important to understand that just because you might have a low desire, it does not mean that there is anything wrong with you! You can still love your partner and still be part of a fulfilling relationship where you and your partner crave each other sexually.
Jack Morin, the late Sex Therapist and author of The Erotic Mind, said, that we are not entitled to our partners being attracted to us. Which means that we cannot expect our partners to love the way we look and how we behave, no matter what. But, at the same time, we want to approach the topic gently, if at all.
Sustaining this desire in a long-term relationship can often require work.
UNDERSTANDING YOUR SEXUAL GOALS AND EXPECTATIONS
Maybe it’s been awhile since you’ve had an open and honest conversation about sex with your partner. What do you want your sex life to look like? How has this changed since you first met? Your needs and desires in the bedroom can naturally evolve over time and that’s normal! Try sitting with your partner to have an open conversation about your new sexual goals and expectations. Together, you might uncover concerns or worries about your body that might not have been there at a younger age. Maybe there is something going on medically that hasn’t been explored yet. Maybe your partner’s definition of sex has completely changed over time.
Sharing these feelings (even the tough or embarrassing ones) in a non-judgement zone is important to help create a greater level of trust and emotional connection between you both. When you feel emotionally closer, it can naturally create space for a higher level of sexual desire.
Having time to connect with your partner sexually is important! Life can get in the way. As a society, we are used to scheduling or blocking time on our calendars for work meetings, doctor appointments or dinner with friends on the weekend. But, what about scheduling sex? Scheduling sex with your partner allows you to consistently make time without external interruptions. You are making your relationship with your partner a priority and that can help solidify your commitment to one another.
Don’t forget about the most important person of all - YOU! When we explore our own sexuality, it has the power to help us sexually communicate better with our partner. This can also help us reaffirm how we love ourselves - emotionally, mentally and physically. Solo sex can also help us maintain our own sexual desire and libido.
BEYOND SEX
Having a lull in the bedroom with your long-term partner doesn’t mean that the relationship is doomed. It’s important to keep an open mind and also focus on things beyond what’s (not) happening in bed. Couples often think that a loss of desire or sexual activity is simply a sex-related problem - but it can also stem from an emotional intimacy issue.
Over time, you might co-exist. You live together, you care about each other, but that deep, emotional connection you once had has lost its power.
When you are able to seek out the ways that your partner improves your life and bring that to light, it can help you see your relationship differently (hello, gratitude). When this happens, you are moving towards a positive, mental state about your relationship, which can actually help turn you on naturally.
If you understand your own love language - great! It’s also important to understand and accept your partner’s love language. The five different love languages are:
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Physical touch
IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT LOOKS
Our attractions change over time. What I was attracted to in my college years are much different than now (thank goodness!). I encourage you to take inventory of what is on your current attractions list. It might surprise you!
Many think that the only way to keep a long-term relationship alive in the bedroom is to focus on the physical. Yes, many of us were initially drawn to our partner because of the way they looked, but it’s more than that. Maybe their humor played a part in your initial attraction. Perhaps, the way they smelled or the attention they gave you made things extremely special. But, after time, some couples find themselves focusing on the negatives - the things that annoy us most in our partners or issues that might have led to the current relationship status.
By focusing on the things that you used to find attractive, you might start to feel that pull towards your partner again. You know, the connection you felt in the early days of your relationship. When we are able to align our mind and body with our partner, it can help ignite mental stimulation that helps couples reconnect.
Confidence is one of the biggest factors when it comes to attraction, it's not necessarily all looks. I often ask my clients when are they most drawn to their partners. They rarely say when they look a certain way. If your partner behaves in a way that you find attractive, tell them! Reinforce that behavior!
Intentionally, start exposing yourself to media that is like your partner and perhaps portrayed in a sexy way. This can also help reinforce things for you. Each day, try to intentionally name one thing that you are drawn to or find attractive about your partner, even if it's small. What we focus on grows!
As a sex therapist, I find myself reminding my clients that relationships need attention to often remain fun and fulfilling. Both partners need to be invested in rekindling the relationship. This can be awkward and inconsistent for many couples and that’s why it’s okay to ask for help from a trained relationship expert - to help guide you and your partner in the healing process - on your road to reigniting your sexual desire.