Toxic Masculinity
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
Guess what? We’re going to let you in on a secret. You can still be masculine and cry! You can still ask for help or seek out therapy and be masculine! Are you a stay-at-home dad? Be a stay-at-home dad that exudes positive masculinity!
Being a man or male identifying person can leave someone feeling a little off or confused about how they “should” act. Many of you have heard the term Toxic Masculinity - the adherence to the limiting and often dangerous societal standards set for men and male-identifying individuals. Typically (not always), these socially regressive male traits have caused men to eject actions that might undermine their ideas of what it means to be a real man.
Boys will be boys. Man up and be strong. Real men don’t cry. Sound familiar? According to traditional toxic masculine values, a male who does not display enough “manly” traits may fall short of being what society considers a “real man” aka they are weak.
Research has suggested that men are actually less likely to see a doctor for a fear of appearing weak or unable to provide. This sort of thinking can also prevent men and those that identify as males from seeking the important mental care that they need and deserve.
These gender stereotypes and the stigma surrounding male mental health are becoming more and more prevalent in our society. So, how do we tackle toxic masculinity in our current culture and reframe masculinity in a healthier way?
HAVE TOUGH CONVOS
It’s not a bad thing to tap your friends, family or trusted relationship on their perspective on how you handle situations relating to your masculinity. How do your actions impact others? Is it how you intended them to come across? Working with a therapist can also help uncover why you might feel shame for expressing your genuine feelings. It can also help uncover any previous traumas or communication issues you were taught growing up.
IMPROVE VOCABULARY
Boys are often not socialized to use a wide range of emotional vocabulary in the same way girls are. As a result, a great deal of men struggle to pinpoint their emotional state at any given time. Even if men want to get in touch with feminine energy, they might not have the language! Try looking up a feelings wheel and identify at least 5 emotions you tend to feel regularly that are more nuanced than frustrated, angry, or excited. Get in the practice of naming precisely how you feel!
UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN ACTIONS AND HOW FAR YOU’VE COME
Be honest about your past and how you communicated - you can learn from it! You cannot change the past, but you can change the future for yourself and those around you. Try journaling - everyone has to start somewhere! Maybe you weren’t a great communicator to your last partner or relied on your strength to intimidate others. Remember these actions, how you acted and how you should have acted in the situation.
Most people want to have satisfying relationships with their partners, coworkers, friends and family. This can lead to deeper, more connected relationships with kids and younger generations facing traditional male stereotypes.
Just remember, don’t beat yourself up about past actions, but use them as a tool to move forward.
BREAKING OUT OF THE GENDER BOX
Women aren’t the sole victims of toxic masculinity. Sexual harassment in the workplace, derogatory comments made in public can be made anywhere to anyone - women, other men, gay, straight, black, white or brown - you name it. Instead of teaching young men about owning their own mistakes and taking responsibility for their actions, these negative masculine expressions often advocate for careless and damaging behavior.
Try breaking out of your gender box! Feminine energy isn’t a sign of weakness and men exhibiting feminine energy aren’t weak! Being flexible and fluid in your environment will help you break free of limitations and guide others in their beliefs and actions.
Masculinity can be natural. It can be good and most importantly Positive Masculinity exists and is important to societal growth. Being comfortable with who you are, regardless of your gender identity and expression, is a great place to start.
Want more? Check out the Man Enough Podcast HERE. We’ll also be coming out with a Part II to this blog focusing on the difficulties women have holding space for men that don’t quite fit society’s picture of masculinity.