The Do’s and Dont’s of Talking to Kids About Sex
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
As a parent, you know the conversation about the birds and the bees will happen eventually. Understandably, talking to kids about sex can be awkward and difficult. It’s hard to provide accurate and age-appropriate ways of explaining such an intimate act. The conversation about sex is one that a lot of parents dread and some parents avoid completely.
I know many parents have probably countless books on the best way to parent their child. Whether you’re reading about attachment parenting, using positive reinforcement with your child, or navigating a blended family system, unfortunately, a lot of these books don’t include this important topic. Let this be a start to thinking about how you can best help your child learn about sex.
DO: Start early
DON’T: Wait until they’re older
Did you know that in some countries in Europe they begin sex education at the age of 4 (keep in mind this is age-appropriate material). Given the statistics about European’s sexual experiences later on - waiting longer to have sex for the first time than Americans, fewer STIs, and more reports of positive first-time experiences - we can see that this is a positive way to handle sex.
It can feel more comfortable to wait until your child asks, but what if they don’t ask? Be proactive and plan times to sit down and talk about it with them. You don’t have to cover all aspects of sex in one conversation. Split it up into multiple conversations. This conveys the message that you are open to talking about sex and if they ever have questions, you’re available.
If you’re waiting for your school’s sex education classes to take effect, keep in mind that only 13 states mandate that sex ed be medically accurate and informed by up-to-date research. I wouldn’t rely solely on sex ed at school.
DO: Use correct language
DON’T: Dumb it down
When talking to your child about sex, use the correct words: vulva, vagina, penis, testicals. Do not use words like “wee-wee” or “hoo-ha” because it is confusing for children. It also provides the message that these words are bad or uncomfortable. You may feel uncomfortable saying them and that’s okay, but the words themselves are not uncomfortable.
DO: Talk about pleasure
DON’T: Talk only about biological functions
A common trap for parents is to lean on the explanation of where babies come from and feel like the job is done. While that is important information, most sexual experiences (not to mention, most initial sexual experiences) are not for procreation, but rather are for pleasure. It can be confusing for them to feel certain pleasures their genitalia may provide and not have an understanding of it. Additionally, ignoring the pleasure of sex can convey a shaming message early on: that sex is only meant for procreation and the rest we don’t talk about. If you’re hoping to have an open, sex positive household, don’t skip the concept of pleasure.
DO: Talk about consent early & often
DON’T: Assume they know
Making sure your child understands consent is incredibly important. When talking to your child about sex, discuss that it is important to ask for consent, listen for consent, look for consent, and to empower your child to say yes and no depending on how they feel. It can be discussed in a variety of contexts not just sex: discussing a platonic hug while greeting, checking to see if a friend would like to play at the playground, or reviewing “stranger danger.”
DO: Be yourself, even if you’re uncomfortable
DON’T: Pretend to be an expert
Kids are smart and can read nonverbal cues well. If they sense that you are trying to hide your discomfort, they will know and likely begin to feel uneasy themselves. Just be yourself. It’s okay to acknowledge that sex isn’t always the easiest conversation to have, but that it’s important. In this humorous video parents trying to have the sex talk with their kids, we can see and relate to these parents struggling through it. Don’t hold yourself to the standard of cool, calm and collected. Just be yourself.