How To Set Boundaries with Difficult Family Members

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

No matter how much you love your family, it’s safe to assume that at one point or another, you’ve felt they were being a little too…

Intrusive

Critical

Overbearing

Opinionated

Or even just downright cruel!

Let’s face it, family can be some of the most triggering people to be around.  They often care about you and therefore have questions and opinions about intimate topics like your love life, kids, finances, and political beliefs.

Even if you love your folks, you may have the desire to get away from them, ignore them, or shut them down.  The truth is, you can, and you can do it respectfully with boundaries.  Here’s how:

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are limits you set in order to protect your wellbeing.  They can apply to conversations you’re willing to engage in and how you let others treat you.  Boundaries help preserve your emotional energy and show up in relationships as your best self, without resentment for those around you.

Examples of Boundaries

Boundaries exist in many different forms.  For example, you may set verbal boundaries with a family member who “jokingly” makes fun of your partner for not having a college education by saying something like, “Phil and I are very proud that he opened his own auto body shop.  Please do not make fun of his career.”

You can also set boundaries simply with your presence.  If your family members are conversing about something that doesn’t align with your values, such as which diets each of them are currently on, you may decide to leave the room and go join the kids in the playroom for a while.

You can also combine these two types of boundaries by announcing that if something you’re uncomfortable with continues, you will leave.  If you’ve already talked to your cousin about not using racist language around you, and he continues to do it anyways, consider setting a boundary by saying, “I am happy to attend family events at your house, but if you make racist jokes, I’m going to leave.”

One of the easiest ways to set boundaries with family members is to change the subject when an uncomfortable topic comes up.  If your grandmother has a habit of asking you when you’re “finally going to settle down and get married,” try responding by saying, “I’ll let you know when that’s going to happen, but for now, I’d love to tell you about the trip I just went on!”

Finally, if a family member does something serious enough to cause physical or psychological harm, you may have to make the choice to distance yourself from them entirely.  If your brother is constantly criticizing your son for having a lisp, don’t invite him to your son’s school spelling bee.  If your aunt has a hoarding problem causing her home to be unsanitary, don’t accept her invitation to have lunch there.  These boundaries may seem harsh, but there are a couple of reasons why enforcing them might not only be the healthiest, but also the most loving thing to do.

The Benefits of Boundaries

Boundaries help protect you from painful feelings, such as inadequacy, shame, and rage.  Even if certain family members are difficult, setting and holding boundaries can help you enjoy your time around them as much as possible and act in a way that aligns with your values.

Although family members may struggle with your boundaries or take them personally, they are actually benefiting from them too.  For example, the cousin who uses racist language and no longer sees you at his family events may finally realize that his behavior is unacceptable.  Also, when family members choose to respect your boundaries, they are more likely to have positive experiences with you than if you were to not set boundaries and often feel frustrated around them.

Setting boundaries requires courage and may feel pushy or demanding at first, if you’re uncomfortable asserting yourself.  However, boundaries ultimately help you feel respected and have positive interactions with family members you love but don’t always agree with.

If you believe setting boundaries with your family may be appropriate and would like more information on how to do so effectively, reach out to a counselor here at ELEVATED life counseling.